FINAL FRIDAY

It is with a sense of relief I can report my football team, the mighty magpies survived in the Premiership for another season even finishing above Sunderland. They played quite well in the final game after 9 defeats and 1 draw in the previous 10 games. The star was , in probably his last game for Newcastle Jonas Guttierez. His is a story of recovering from two bouts of cancer and being badly treated by the football club in particular by Alan Pardew. As soon as he had recovered from his first lot of cancer Pardew tried to sell him. He was never a brilliant player for us but he gave 100% effort in ever game he played. You can do no more. So good luck Jonas in your future.

Some home was given to us long term fans by our chairman. He claims he is staying as owner until we win something. He stated we have money to spend to make us punch above our weight. Words are easy but we will wait for the actions. Tomorrow is another season, my fifty fifth by the way and I’m still waiting for ius to win a domestic trophy!

Football leads me to the corrupt organisation of FIFA. It took the USA to pursue the villains, Europe have been talking about it but did nothing about it. The small number of people accused so far are just the tip of the iceberg. Sepp Blatter the head  of FIFA probably  set the agenda of corruption and no doubt will be voted back in by the people he corrupted mainly in Africa and Asia . They are hardly likely to vote for a reformer who will stop the bribery. You don’t get turkeys to vote for Xmas! Lets face it there is so much money in football FIFA, EUFA and here in the UK is rife with corruption. They are all pigs at the trough!!!!.

Did you see in the papers this week the boy of 18, a learner driver that took a photo of himself doing 142mph ion his car. He proceeded to drive thro a red light and hit and killed another dirver. What did he get, 6years so he will be out in 3. Thats justice for you. The good news story was the one where a young man died and his face was transplanted onto another young man who was horribly disfigured in a shooting accident. There was a photo in the paper of the dead man’s sister touching the transplanted face and saying how it looked like her brother. What a great example of how good can come from bad. Lovely story.

The daddy-long-legs flosses after meals by pulling each of it’s eight legs thro. it’s jaws.

If all the salt in the oceans were spread evenly over the land it would be 500 ft. deep! Wow.

Grey whales always mate in a threesome, two males to a female ! Dirty buggers.

Finally police are going to prosecute those gruesome people who take photos of traffic accidents while driving past. About time too.

Only three weeks before my 70th birthday . I presume I will then be classified as old. Your only as old as who you feel

Poem is not one of my best but here it is         .A PASSAGE IN TIME

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FRIGHTENING FRIDAY

Today’s title is only meaningful to anyone who knows anything about football. Those who have read any of my previous blogs will know of my less than sensible love of Newcastle United. Well this week end decides whether we play in the Premiership or we are relegated to play among the dead men. As supporters the last ten games have been a nightmare! 9 loses and 1 draw. We expect to lose our last game and we are then totally reliant on Manchester Utd on getting at least a draw against one of our fellow giants Hull City. It pains me to say that we deserve to go down and I have been ashamed to be a supporter this season but after going to matches for 54 years I have to retain my optimism fopr one more game and say “come on the magpies”.

My villain of the week is Mr Mark Nelson from Mountain Ash in South wales who is proud of catching a 9ft. 400lb Porbeagle shark. The only catch is Mr.Nelson, this shark is classed critically endangered by the International Union For Conservation of Nature. Well done!

The Tory government were aiming during the last parliament to reduce net immigration to less than “tens of thousands”. It was 318,000 last year. But apparently it was the coalition partners fault especially Vince Cable. I thought it was Labour’s fault for everything!!!!! Well Mr Cameron is now going to sort it out himself as he can’t trust anyone else.

Bernie Eccleston owes 1£billion tax. Not a problem when you are worth 6£billion. What gets me when charged and found guilty of bribery he is allowed to pay a £60million fine instead of a 10 year prison sentence. One law for the rich and one for the poor should we say?

William Hague is hoping to get £25,000 a time for after dinner speaking. That’s very expensive for a insomnia cure.

Did you know in the 18th century people with facial scars filled them in with lard and painted them over with white lead?

Did you know beard trimming was banned in the bible? Or Lloyds of London once offered reduced premiums for missionary ships because they had divine protection?

Finally they have caught the men who broke into the Hatton Garden vault. A right team of pros they were. A plumber, a builder, a lorry driver etc. They were aged up to 76, one was deaf and one had a limp. How did such a motley crew manage to steal £10 million worth of valuables. They weren’t that good. They got caught!!!!

Poem to day is a reflective one Enjoy.THE THIEF OF TIME

ITS FRIDAY THE 15TH

Another week has been consigned to history , slipped by without a fuss. Today on the beach was semi-warm, a lot warmer than yesterday which was freezing but colder than the seasonal average. It is now mid May and I have worn shorts twice and my flip flops have yet to make their seasonal debut. Have been preparing for my 70th birthday in the Lake District this week. We have hired a big house for the weekend and festivities will be held on the huge lawn behind it. It is mainly my daughter organising things but I come in useful for the financial side. That’s what parents are for after all. I have eighty bottles of wine in my garage so far with beer and lager to be bought. It is in only 5 weeks now so we are praying for a good day (there is plenty of room in the house in case of bad weather) as we will be eating and drinking on the lawn. My daughter has all sorts of games to be played so a sunny day would be appreciated, God.  There is the famous Ravenglass railway within 100yds so we are hoping to have a trip on that at some stage.

More obscene purchases this week. A Ruby ring which was sold for £19 and Picasso’s painting “Women of Algiers” which went for a mere £115. There are people dying and homeless in Nepal for goodness sake!!!!!!!

My last word for a while on politics. (I promise)

Ifind this hard to believe.David Cameron Thinks the BBC is anti-Tory so he has appointed a new Culture Secretary who is anti- BBc. He is against them making programmes like Strictly Come Dancing presumably because it’s popular.

Oh and Tory MPs apparently think John Bercow, the Speaker is pro Labour.

And more, the Daily Mail (a publication that maybe is slightly right of centre!!!!!! who will certainly miss Red Ed.) stated that most of the BAFTA awards were left wing orientated as the BBC won a lot of them. Most people outside of the Tories think, while of course they have their faults, the BBC makes some of the best programmes in the world. They are very well respected outside of this country.Virtually all our press is right wing. The Daily Mail, Daily Express, Telegraph, Sun but thats Ok.

All this on the back of a Tory victory at the election, what the hell would they have said if they lost?

At least the Laurel and Hardy of the Tory party, Grant Shapps and Eric Pickles have gone!

A bit of humour. The original Popeye got his strength from rubbing a magic hen. Eating spinach was a helluva lot easier and the spinach growers must have been delighted`The most commonly asked question at Hanna-Barbera’s head office is ;- “what did Barney Rubble do for a living?

Did you know Edgar Allan Poe received only $9 for the publication of the “Raven” and the first collection of poems published by the Bronte sisters sold fewer copies than it had authors , which is still more than me!

Well I better get back to the Institution before they miss me. Usual rubbishy poem attached   PREMONITION

FIASCO FRIDAY

Well we didn’t see that coming! Another 5 years of David Cameron and the T party. He is the only one smiling. Three leaders have already bitten the dust. Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage. The SNP are moaning that they didn’t want to have David Cameron in power. Hypocrites!!! They took 50 seats away from Labour in Scotland but expected them to still  be in power so they could manipulate them. Serves them right. Although David Cameron might give them independence to get rid of them. He must also think that he can now get out of Europe and solve immigration at the same time. Clever stuff. Apart from alienating Scotland he has managed to generate an even bigger North-South divide. My area, in the North East of England  is now totally a political desert. Scotland on one side , we voted Labour so we will be even more isolated. I worry for our NHS , Schools and Uni’s. The future does not look good for this area.

Also welcome to xenophobic England. Between them UKIP and the Tories will stop foreigners coming here. All the people coming across the Maditerranean Sea will not be allowed in England. The rest of Europe can look after them, we don’t want them.

Today I’m ashamed to be British!

Alright enough of that that. I mentioned last week my sympathy for Joni Mitchell. Apparently she is being eaten alive by bugs from outer space. At least that’s progress, they know what is wrong with her!

John Cleese’s ( did you know his real name was Cheese) 4th wife, Jennifer Wade has taken in goats. John Cleese is 75 and she is 43, a match obviously made in Heaven, nothing to with his money of course. Is there not not enough old buffers in the family already?

Yet another awful incident of medical science going mad this week. A mother of 59 wants to have her dead daughter’s child. She would use her daughter’s frozen eggs. So her daughter/ son would also be her grand daughter/ grand son. This really is going too far.

Did you know 59 of the 60 oldest living people are women. Well there were when my book was published. Also 50,000 people in Japan are over 100 years old. So most of them will be women I presume.

King Francis 1st of France hung the Mona Lisa in his bathroom. Now that is posh!!!!!

This week on the beach we have had most types of weather, sun, rain, mist, hailstones, strong winds, no winds frost etc and some days we have had all of these. We wear wellies, boots, flip-flops, hats, gloves, scarves, water proof trousers sometimes over shorts fleeces and anoraks. Some dogs wear coats but labradors and spaniels never do as they are proper dogs ! Summer is almost here.

Poem is about the vagaries of British weather        THE FOUR SEASONS

LAST FRIDAY BEFORE ELECTION

Well the election is next Thursday, thank goodness. One or two people are going to be happy but I suspect a lot more will be disappointed . Hopeful Nigel Farage will not be elected and disappear in oblivion from whence he came. It looks likely Lib Democrats will do badly and Nick Clegg and Danny Alexander could easily lose their seats. The SNP could take all the Scottish seats and wipe out Labour and the Lib Democrats. Overall the Tories and Labour are very close and the losing leader  should resign. But knowing politicians they will probably argue they had a glorious lose (They won’t call it a defeat.) Or they will call themselves runners up! Or the other frightening scenario is there is no conclusive  result and we all have to do it again.

Enough of politics. A large stately home in Surrey, Clandon House I visited recently has just had a large fire. The building was badly damaged but it appears they got a lot of the valuable items out. Some of the furniture and paintings were fabulous.

So what has happened to the Apple watch? Apparently a component made in China was found to be defective. Have just learnt two things about it. It can cost up to 15000 dollars and it’s doesn’t work if you have tattoos!!!!!!

Did you see the photo this week of Jane Fonda, 77, Robert Redford, 78 and Barbra Streisand a mere 73 this week. Apparently it has cost a fortune for all the work they have done to themselves, but when you start you need to have annual maintenance. Quite sad really, people with enormous talent but still want to look young. Why can’t there grow old gracefully , like me!

Did you know there is a law firm in Leeds called Godloves Solictors.

Did you know Elvis was a natural blond! Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike competition to a woman!

Sad to hear about Joni Mitchell who is in a coma. Brilliant singer /songwriter.

Whenever you are having a bad day it brings you back to earth when you hear of disasters like the earthquakes in Nepal. At least 5,000 dead, most of the population homeless and they haven’t even reached the more inaccessible villages yet. !000 Europeans missing. We in Britain are lucky we just don’t have  natural disasters on this sort of scale. Obviously we have plane and train crashes and severe floods but while these are still sad they are not on the same scale.

Thoughtful poem this week           A MOMENT IN TIME