FURIOUSLY FRIDAY

Walking my dog seems to be taking longer and longer. And its almost dark in the mornings and evenings now. He insists on sniffing every blade of grass and going up to every other dog and person we see. It’s great that he’s friendly but when you’re in a hurry it’s pain. He is a treat detector dog (labrador) and if someone has given him a treat he will approach them everytime he sees them in the future.Embarrassing but I suppose it’s better than biting them.

Oh by the way somebody has come up with the statistic that 40% of people with dogs never walk them!

Read this week about the 52 year old man disqualified from driving for the 61st time.  He got 4 months (will only serve 2) in prison, the fourth time he has been sent down. He has been caught for drink driving 10 times. The court could have banned him from driving for life but he has only been banned for 10 years. Ridiculous!

Apparently cod have regional accents (Ok make different noises) depending where they come from.Thus fish caught off Cornwall, Northumberland and Scotland all sound different. Don’t know if it will stop them breeding with each other though!!!

Mariah Carey has been dumped by her fiancee James Packer. Don’t be too upset she has been allowed to keep her engagement ring. Worth £8million pounds would you believe.

David Cameron will receive an advance of £800,ooo to write  his memoirs. Small fry considering Tony Blair  got 4 million  pounds and Margaret Thatcher £3.5. Shows   where he stands in scheme of things. Wonder if it will be called”Poor Little Rich Boy”

So Russia is sending more planes and soldiers to Syria to bomb Aleppo no doubt.

Their only aircraft carrier (30 years old, and billowing smoke) looks as if it is falling apart but it is carrying more planes. When will the UN do something. All they do is talk and tell Putin not to do things. He takes absolutely no notice and carries on bombing. The rest of the world is frightened of him. He just does what he likes whatever the West thinks. And children die everyday. Its obscene.

Humour In most countries the most popular programme is “the Weather Forecast”

Google and yahoo both use goats to trim their lawns.

The Burmese sneezing monkey sneezes uncontrollably when it rains. Good job it doesn’t live in England then.

5% of cats are allergic to humans.

Napoleon, Mussolini and Hitler were all scared of cats. Why don’t we plant cats in the Kremlin then?

Re Heath Row 4th runway which was agreed by the  last Labour government about 7 years ago then cancelled by David Cameron is now again having a years consultation period to see if it should go ahead. An optimistic view is that it will be finished by 2029.

Talk about taking your time. Make your mind up , please!

An airline has won the right to weigh passengers before take off to save fuel and for safety reasons. So they could spread the weight more evenly. I’d go further and weigh everyone with their luggage. They would then pay according to the total weight they are taking on the plane. That would give people a good reason to diet.

Poem this attached.—alone

 

 

FRIDAY’S MY DAY

I cant believe how quickly the week has gone. Your parents tell you the older you get the quicker time appears to go. Believe me its true. But then somebody will ask you what have you done this week and I have been so busy I cant remember. So, time goes quicker cos you cant remember what the hell you have done. Thats logical!

While walking the dog this week I wondered how many many are happy with their first name. Now my name is Derek and its a bit old fashioned now but what did occur to me is that it is a name used in films, books and TV for nerds, losers and just generally inadequate people. It is never used for heros or really important people. sad really. I will hasten to add Im not really like other Dereks. Somebody called an elephant Derek once but Im not sure if thats a compliment or not.

Another thought I had this week was how can you describe colour to a person who has been blind from birth or equally music to a deaf person? Sorry Im being fundamental this week.

Another blogger I follow was thanking his 5000 followers this week. I started off by just writing for myself , just putting my thoughts out, not worrying about punctuation, spelling or even correcting mistakes. It is very therapeutic instead of the discipline of a poem or short story. I never set out to write for anyone else. You readers are a bonus which Im really grateful for. All 70 of you!!!!  Thanks, its just nice to know you’re there!

I really cant resist a good rant. Sharon Osborne spents £230,000 a year on flying her pet dogs round the world. now you or me wouldnt be allowed to take our on board but she is because they are”emotional support animals” Bollocks! This talentless woman is worth £180 million and is the wife of musician Ozzy Osborne who has difficulty in stringing two words together. She is paid £1.8 million for a series of British “X” factor as a critic. What is this world coming to?

Humour. Vikings who died in bed rather than in battle went to a special afterlife where it was always foggy. I wonder if it was called Whitley Bay?

Einsteins last words were spoken in German to a nurse who didn’t speak German and are lost forever. What an anti-climax!

The first t-shirt was aimed at bachelors who couldn’t sew on buttons.

Charles Darwin’s cousin Francis Galton invented underwater spectacles so he could read in the bath. I can only presume he had also invented underwater books too!

There has been a complaint by the author of the best selling book and film “Train spotting” that the people who awarded Bob Dylan his Nobel prize for Literature were “senile gibbering hippies” Irvine Welsh, the said author claims he was born in 1957 but official records say 1951 and apart from this one book Ive heard of, his claim to fame was he was previously in a punk band called the “Pubic Lice” I rest my case.

Poem attached                  the-rite-of-right-writing

 

 

 

 

 

FRAGILE FRIDAY

Fragile in the respect I have just returned from a funeral. Sorry, funeral is not the right word.It was a celebration of a friends life. It was a happy , funny mixed emotion occasion. Firstly I wont see him again and he was only 62 which is quite an early death by todays standards. But he had lived life to the full and a large number of people turned out to enjoy talking about him. HE would have enjoyed it. He was an archaeologist, but he made it fun. Plus he had a great sense of humour and was fun to be around. He and I shared similar interests. He was a socialist, agnostic, lover of the out doors and walking and loved dogs and our local beaches. Oh and was fond of a drink and was a big fan of our local football team Newcastle.  To sum him up the the songs chosen by him for this celebration were:-

Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel— Come up and see me.

Morecambe and Wise —-Bring me sunshine.

Roxy Music—- Avalon. (another word for Heaven)

Monty Python—- Always look on the bright side of life.

And the Newcastle United theme song “Local Hero” (from the film of the same name) by Mark Knofler of Dire Straits.

These songs show his sense of humour!

Bob Dylan has won the Nobel prize for Literature. A lot of his songs especially the early ones were poetry set to music, and good poetry at that. I have seem him live several times , from the original acoustic days to the present time. He is still touring at 75 but his voice has virtually gone now. He was the greatest influence of pop music from the early 60’s and really deserves this award.

I have started my preparations for walking the dog on the beach now that winter is nearly with us. I would recommend the following:-

Rub oneself with whale blubber, or if none available, lard.

Then wrap your body with aluminium foil followed by a layer of newspaper.

Repeat with another layer of each

Then thermal vest and trousers, or long johns are recommended.

Then put on your normal clothing and finally anorak or ski jacket and wind and waterproof trousers.

To complete wear wellington boots, balaclava (under hood of anorak or jacket)

Ski goggles, thermal base gloves and mittens are more efficient I find. I know this takes time but is guaranteed to keep you warm. OH, and dont forget the dog!

Se there is going to be a new series of Dallas. With Joan Collins 83,Linda Gray in her 70’s Stephanie Beacham the youngster of 69 it is going to be the first wheel chair based soap opera!

The new fashion trend is going to be military wear in browns and khaki.  they were fashionable when I was a kid in the 50’s.

Food sensation! The Queen last week had a Chicken Tikka Masala. Would you believe this is now the most popular British meal overtaking fish and chips. And it was invented in Glasgow.

And finally the latest craze in the UK is a plague of clowns. Apparently people dressed as clowns are hiding in bushes and jumping out and frightening passers by. Remember if this happens to you go for the Juggler!

Re my attached poem. The brief was to describe something 13 ways                  the-road

 

FAST FORWARD TO FRIDAY

To those of you who read my rant last week, thanks. For those that said you liked it you deserve a frying pan as big as a medal, sic. For those that didn’t read it, I dont blame you. I do promise I wont rant again (well perhaps for several weeks or I might just have mini rants in future.

On my walk on the beach recently I have been thinking about more mundane things.

For example what has happened to the art of whistling. When I was young people like the postman, window cleaner, paper boy and tradesmen like joiners, electicians all whistled. Why dont they now. It was seen to be the act of someone was happy, content with life. I put it on a par with pipe -smokers who always seemed to be very laid back. My Dad smoked a pipe all his life and just seemed so relaxed.

PS I can still whistle all sorts of tunes and also I  whistle for my dog. To be fair he just totally ignores me!

The next thing is while I was contemplating my navel I wondered why the fluff in your belly button is always a bluey grey. I live alone and most of my clothes aren’t those colours.

Also what is the difference between a shed and a hut?

In a moment of greater sense I just thought how much I enjoy drinking coffee. Dont get me wrong I love beer especially real ale and wine in particular red. I dont drink tea at all, I just find it too insipid but I drink strong instant coffee. I have got a perculator but I found if I left it on all day I could not stop drinking the coffee. But now I drink strong instant. The two best times I find are the morning cup after breakfast while reading the morning paper and the cup after dinner in the evening. I think i need one now come to think of it.

My local police force are complaining that they are receiving far too many frivolous calls on the non emergency line. Examples are, man complaining that his girl friend was over feeding their pet hamster and it was as fat as a pig. Another called to say she had been sold an over spiced hamburger and a guy who had tied his finger to his overflowing toilet with a shoe lace. They were also asked to come out and catch a spider, a woman complained she had been overcharged at the supermarket and someone reported an over amorous dog.

Humour Accents in Britain change noticeably every 25 miles.

If you tickle a rat every day, it’ll start laughing as soon as it sees you.

Goats can’t cry.

During world war 2 Lucozade was made from conkers (horse chestnuts)

Ok I’m going to finish with politics. Sorry.

Ten of the Ryder cup golfers support Donald Trump.

A thumbnail sketch of the political scene in the UK

Tories- Teresa May, PM and Philip Hammond, Chancellor have adopted a new policy to be so boring nobody will listen to them.At their recent conference they promised the earth.Easy when there is absolutely no opposition to them!

Labour. Jeremy Corbyn, nice enough bloke with very little personality. Has silly policies but it doesn’t really matter when you are unelectable. Has just made Diane Abbot, an ex-lover shadow foreign secretary. She must be good in bed!

Liberal. Irrelevant now. Great opportunity of saying anything as they will not see power again.

UKIP. Nigel Farage’s party. The British Donald Trump. Dangerous but a bit like shark infested waters. You know they are there so dont go in the water.

Green. Good idea!

Poem attached             a-walk-by-the-sea