FEATURING FRIDAY

I dont go to the cinema much but I did last week and i saw a brilliant movie, Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri”  I suppose it could be described as a black comedy, funny but violent! Frances McDormand is incredible in it and if she doesnt win an Oscar there is no justice. I thoroughly recommend it.

Jimmy Armfield, an English footballer who captained England earned £40 a week at his peak. He died last week. Alexis Sanchez, a Chilean footballer, was transferred last week from Arsenal to Manchester United. He will earn £600,000 a week. Even taking inflation into account that is some difference. A sign of the times.

You reptile lovers beware – A man was found in england this week asphyxiated by his 8 foot pet python. Apparently it hugged him to death!

I know there are a lot of despicable acts these days but it would be hard to exceed the action of Islamic State militants in Jalabad, Afghanistan this week. they attacked the base of “Save the Children” They killed aid workers who are non political and non religious and who were only interested in the well being of children. How low can you go?

Cringemaking- Theresa May’s relationship with Donald Trump. He plays her along like a fisherman landing a fish. She is totally out of her depth. Apparently when they speak to each other on the phone she cant get a word in edgeways! What a surprise!

HUMOUR- Usain Bolt ate 1000 chicken nuggets during the Beijing Olympics because he didnt like Chinese food. It didnt stop his running He won 2 or 3 Golds I cant remember how many.

More people recognise the McDonald’s symbol than the Christian cross!

Human beings had been keeping sheep for 7,000 years before it occurred to anyone to use their wool!

Apparently one third of takeaway lamb curries contain meat other than lamb!

The World Economic Conference is being held this week in Davos, Switzerland. It is intended to promote globalisation and co-operation. It is attended by politicians, bankers, economists, large company bosses. The normal undesirables you wouldnt want to meet in a dark alley! Even pop stars like Elton John and Bono (of U2) and world wide charities are there.  Sounds like a bundle of fun. It is a sort of club where people promise each other ” if I scratch your back you  scratch mine”. 1000 aircraft are being used to ferry people in and out. 80 % of the worlds wealth is owned by 1 % of the population. Most of that 1 % will be at Davos. I would suspect security will be tight. Trump is giving a speech today presumably telling us how well the US and him in particular are doing!

Finally Ive come across one or two interesting words you might or might not have come across:-

Skedaddle- run off, leave fast.

Squee-gee- T shaped piece of rubber to remove liquid.

Mufti- ordinary clothes worn by a person who nomally wears a uniform.

Guffaw- a loud course burst of laughter.

This week no poem , just tongue in cheek advice about writing              IN SEARCH OF THE BEST SELLING NOVEL

 

 

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FACILITATING FOR FRIDAY

A friend of mine has been telling me recently I’m grumpy. Now to a certain extent I cant disagree. But to put things in perspective it is not easy being grumpy. it doednt come naturally to me. But I would mention two things in particular. I find myself grumbling at injustice, bigotry, the total ineptitude of politicians, greedy business men and international statesmen who talk a lot about conflicts all over the world but don’t DO anything about it, starvation when there is so much food wastage and the stupidity of people generally. There I’ve said it. And you wonder why I’m grumpy!.

The other thing is I put on an air of grumpiness as a form of humour. Ok it may be dark, ironic, sarcastic , sardonic call it what you will but I think it can be funny at times. I also feel me being grumpy helps balance the world up against all the happy , content cheery people.

I know my friend probably doesnt believe me when I  say I’m really a positive person so just humour me at times, please.

So the most popular car colour in the UK is black, with grey 2nd and white 3rd. Pretty ironic really as all cars manufactured in bulk were black and then there wasn’t a choice.

I had a laugh this week when a lady who lived on her own was taken into hospital. She lived in a small semi detached house in Brighton. When animal inspectors broke in they found 359 budgies flying around. It took them 3days to catch them all. They are looking for good homes for them!

Victoria Beckham, fashion designer and ex Spice Girls pop group (also wife of David Beckham, the ex-footballer) insists on using stick insect-thin models for her clothes. Why dont normal sized women boycott her clothes. Are they just so fabulous?

HUMOUR St. Lucia is the only country in the world named after a woman!

Mouse sperm is bigger than elephant sperm. Presumably there is more elephant sperm!

The Bloody Mary has been scientifically proved to be the best alcoholic drink on a plane.

To sleep for one night in every bed in Las Vegas would take 288 years!

In a survey of 10,000 dog owners in the uk the nation’s most popular breed is a labrador. Thats funny,  my dog Bruce is a yellow labrador!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Black Death which killed millions of people in Europe in the 14th century was always blamed on rats. Scientists now believe it was actually passed on by humans themselves as the ordinary man was covered by fleas and body lice as they very rarely bathed.

Edwin Vines, a stalker who has targeted Emily Maitlis a  tv news presenter for 20 years since they were at Cambridge together has been sent to prison for the 3rd time. He even managed to send her letters from his prison cell. He said “I am very sorry about it. I had no idea how she was feeling. Two of us are unhappy in this situation” No, one is unhappy and one is clearly unhinged. Its now 20 years , he doesnt understand yet and the law seems unable to deal with the problem. The law is an ass!!!

Poem attached        RAINBOW

 

 

FURTHERMORE IT’S FRIDAY

Have you ever felt small. I have. I also don’t understand the word infinite. It means “no end” So when something is described as infinite it is endless, it goes on for ever. I am now going to make you feel small!

The Hubble telescope was aimed at an area of sky about one tenth the size of a full moon for 4 months. It identified 10,000 galaxies up to 13 billion light years away. it is estimated each of these galaxies contains at least eight times the stars in our own Milky Way. Each galaxy could have up to a trillion stars in it. They have found our own universe is ONLY 800 million years old! (The Big Bang Theory) Are you sure you don’t feel small yet?

Trump is not coming to London to open the new American Embassy costing £750 million. Hurrah!

Our own “News at Ten” programme was halted due to a fire alarm when watched by 2 million people. A cardboard notice was put up stating “We’re sorry for the disruption” 800,000 people continued to watch the programme!!!!!!!

How could a chief Executive earn a bonus of £131 million . Jeff Fairbairn of Perssimon Homes achieved this mainly because of the Government policy of “Help to Buy” He should be giving the bulk of his windfall to charity.

Humour—– In the first race between driverless cars one crashed and the other ran over a dog. They were going up to 111mph at the time. Could you imagine a driverless car heading towards you at any speed. Seems unnatural to me,

A new washing machine in India has a button for curry stains. Panasonic has invented a machine which folds laundry.

Zyzzyva. This word has been added by the Oxford English Dictionary . It is the name of a type of tropical weevil found in South America. What a fantastic word for Scrabble!

Police in this country are stretched to the limit. So it seems a bit strange that police have declared they are looking for a motorist who splashed a woman and two chilldren by driving though a puddle of water. They are looking for witnesses. No one was hurt just wet. I would have thought they had better things to do!

Theresa May has issued very ambitious plans to sort the problem of plastic waste by the year 2042. Does she think she will still be the Prime Minister then? How are we going to make her accountable.  I would suspect we will all be buried in plastic by then.

Finally a journalist this week said “we still need hard men and women to defend the country” He apparently means people who don’t show any emotions in the armed forces. Well if wants people like that or perhaps we should call them machines, I don’t. I want real people who show emotions at times( obviously appropriate times) In other words human beings who are affected by other peoples suffering.

Poem attached NO COMPARISON

 

 

 

FALSETTO FRIDAY

Sorry once again, its not friday hence the title!

Having endured several windswept, freezing walks on my local beach in rain , snow and days when roads pavements , paths and  were like glass it is time to report what has happened to my beautiful beach. At the moment it is NOT beautiful. The severe high tides have washed away lots of the sand and has exposed huge rocks and rock formations I have never seen before. It has reduced some of the beach into shingle. The extreme tides have also washed soil down from the cliff face and this mixed with coal dust deposits has turned any remaining sand a grey colour. Hopefully the sand will return in the Spring . Such is the power of the sea.

The Government has decided now we are coming out of Europe they should change the colour of our passports. Some of the newspapers have stated if we dont like this new colour we are unpatriotic. The truth is the vast majority of us DONT care what colour our passport is!

A politician has stated this week , on resigning from a Government quango that”Brexit is a dangerous populist and nationalist spasm worthy of Trump” I would agree both with the sentiment and the comparison. We should not be withdrawing from the existing trade arrangements with Europe. From a system that works well. We should also not be pandering to the xenophobes who want to reduce the existing foreigners and to stop more coming in. Considering we are an island it should be easy to monitor everyone who enters by air, sea or even tunnel and who also exits . But we cant even do that NOW. So we will be better at it because we leave? Also we are all going to enjoy having our passports checked wherever we go in Europe are we?

Finally we want to establish our own laws rather than use European laws imposed on us. Some of our own domestic laws are pathetic now!

We were never told the implications of leaving Europe and at the very least we should be  given a vote when we know what the actual terms are!

Homelessness in the Uk is rising dramatically. There are 216,000 houses that have been empty for at least 6 months , 60,000 of them empty for over 2 years. Should we not be utilising these fo the homeless?

HUMOUR ———In the 19th century pious Spaniards grew beards in the shape of a cross.

Abraham Lincoln only had a beard for the last 5 years of his life!

A woman bitten by a cat has a 50% chance of being diagnosed with depression.

Ancient Egyptian lettuce contained the same ingredient as cocaine. Bet salads were more popular then!

A Government report , about to be released  will let off sex-pest Members of Parliament as long as they apologise  or go on a training course. What a cop out. bet the victims will be pleased!

UK aid to corrupt countries has risen 10% in the last year. We paid out £1.39 billion last year to 18 of the most corrupt 20 countries.

And we dont pay directly , its goes through middlemen who presumably take their cut. What a farce!

And so to my poem        UNAWARE

 

 

 

FANTASMAGORICAL FRIDAY

Phantasmagorical (real spelling) means pyschedelic, surreal, fantasical or hallucinatory. So it not being a Friday it is appropriate.

Well Happy New Year. But as I speak to other people while walkng the dog most people enjoy Xmas and New Year celebrations but also are pleased when it’s over as they can get back to their normal routines. The only thing that does disturb me somewhat is that it is the loneliest time of the year for a lot of people. My own Dad lost my Mum when he was 52 and lived alone after that. He always noticed people enjoying themselves at this time of year especially and missed the closeness of his wife.

Jeff Bezos of Amazon is now worth $100 billion. Now that is pretty damn rich. If you want to know how rich he could, if they were for sale, buy Iceland 5 times over, buy Cuba, Bolivia 3 times over, Kenya, Slovakia and Crotia and Slovenia together. Is that not insane. What is he actually going to do with that much money?

7 million train journeys in the UK were at least half an hour late last year. In Japan there was a huge upcry when ONE of their trains was 20 seconds late. Should we not be looking how they run their trains?

In 2017 the average house in England increased in value by £28 a day. Every region in England except in the North East of England where house values dropped. Another example of the inequality of the wealth of the English regions.

HUMOUR It was so cold in Jan 1206 that wine and beer were sold by weight not volume.

60% of people eating chocolate rabbits eat the ears first!

In 1973 the whole internet consisted of only 43 computers.

More than 200 drivers in the UK are over 100 years old.

100 people working for the National Health Service England, which runs the health service in England earn more than the Prime Minister. Madness. Certainly isn’t humour

Poem attached       ALL IN THE MIND