FRACTIONALLY FRIDAY

It hasnt been a good week for news worldwide so most of this is about bad news with touches of humour.

First , has trump actually gone completely ga-ga now. I ironically said they should arm kids but he has gone part the way by suggesting teachers should be armed. So lets work this out MORE guns not less guns would be beneficial.

Here are last years figures of death by guns

USA 10,728

ISRAEL 58

CANADA 52

JAPAN 48

GERMANY 42

SWITZERLAND 34

SWEDEN 27

UK 8

You might notice the UK is slightly lower than the US. Is that because they are more guns in the US or less? There are already more guns than people in the US. The only hope that American school kids and parents of kids sustain this latest push to be heard. not to be heard by Trump because he is on the NRA payroll and money is more important than lives especially kids!!!!!! Surely Senators themselves will listen eventually. As one young kid said why do you need an automatic rifle to defend your self and your family. surely a hand gun would be sufficient. That would immediately cut deaths. When will America see sense?

So thats Trump in the dock, next Putin and Assad in Syria. Genocide is being carried out as i write this piece in the Damascus suburb of Eastern Ghouta. Russia claims they are are trying to flush out the terrorists hiding in hospitals and using civilians as cover. So the terrorists have guns and mortars. So they can inflict some damage to other civilians outside this suburb in Damascus. But the Russians are now bombing hospitals and civilians totally indiscriminately. They are even testing a new stealth fighter with new weapons. It is being tested on civilians.

And what is the UN doing? They are talking about it!!!!!!!! Again lives are cheap. The UN is pathetic.

Meanwhile in England Theresa May is cutting immigration. Numbers of EU immigrants  has more than halved since Brexit was announced. The trouble is that it is the skilled workers who we need for our economy have voted with their feet.  The non EU workers is still increasing and their skills are generally lesser. So we are “cutting our noses to spite our faces”

SOME MUCH NEEDED HUMOUR Cricket is allowed by the Taliban in Afghanistan but applause by the crowd is banned.

Thomas Edison invented the tattoo pen.

The most common occupation of a millionaire is teacher.

in 1989 41,000 Parisians received letters charging them with murder, extortion and prostitution instead of traffic offences. I’m willing to bet they paid their fines off promptly!!

Continuing on the humour theme we in Britain describe heavy rain in different ways. Some of them are:- Lashing it down (Lancs), Bucketing down (Staffs) Chucking it down (Yorks, North east), Pelting down (Scotland), Mizzling (South west, North east), Caning it(London) and Teeming it down (North East)

Finally a goverment £11 billion project to put energy smart meters in every home in the Uk has run into trouble. Once they are installed by 2020 they will save £47 per household on energy costs. A huge saving. The only trouble is they were provided free by one company, but I then changed supplier and they told me because their system was not compatible they couldn’t use them. A case of “the right hand not knowing what the left was doing!

Poem attached       STORIES TO TELL

 

 

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FOLDING UP FRIDAY

Read today, Happiness is the ability to laugh at yourself. Completely agree.

South Africa’s president Zuma has finally resigned. He has 800 counts of corruption to face. I suspect he may be guilty then.

What a mess the charity Oxfam is in. The leadership new there was sexual abuse being carried out both at home in England and abroad. The leadership reacted far too late.It was hushed up originally and a lot of donors and the Government have said they will stop donations. And who will suffer for all this. It is the people they were helping all over the world. What a mess.

Our foreign secretary Boris Johnson has made a speech using his hands all the time. Is he trying to outdo Donald T?

Another 17 people shot dead in Florida and many more injured. So what does the gun lobby say this time. The same old crap no doubt. There should be be more guns rather than less presumably. Why not arm schoolkids and teach them to use guns as well? Is nobody ever going to do something about this. Is the constitutional right to carry guns to defend oneself when so m,any people die?

School minister Nick Gibb says he is going to make sure all 9 year olds can do their 12times tables. He was then asked in an interview what 8 x 9 is. He wouldn’t answer. I do hope he knows!

I’ve been thinking for a while about religion. Most of the religions we have on earth have similar philosophies and common Gods. Do Gods of one religion only look after people that believe in their religion? Do they not protect the rest of humanity. Surely loving Gods care about everybody on Earth not just their own worshippers. If there are different Gods why don’t they get together and reach agreements for the good of everybody. They would certainly do a better job than the United Nations. They talk a lot and do nothing. They are still telling Putin not to invade the Crimea and Ukraine. And telling Assad in Syria not to kill his own people. They are useless!

HUMOUR ! in 3 children in the world can now use tablets before they can speak.

Did you know Jimi Hendrix was a paratrooper. Not with a guitar in his hand surely.

Sylvester Stallone was so broke before the script for Rocky was accepted he sold his dog for $25. a few weeks later he bought it back for $15,000!

Having sex uses the the same number of calories as there are in one small meringue. Pass me another one , please.

Today I received my new tax code number for the next financial year. It had a split of what percentage the tax I pay goes where. I thought the figures really surprising. they were:-

Welfare 24%, Health 20% State Pensions 13%, Education 12%, National debt and Defence 5%, Public Order and Safety(presumably police) Business and industry 2.5%, Government Admin 2%, Culture (sport, libraries and museums) 1.5%,  Environment and Housing inc Utilities eg street lights 1.5% Overseas Aid 15 and finally contribution to the EU budget 0.7%.

What surprises me the contribution to Europe is so low (so what is all the fuss about) Culture is also very low, shows how little the Government thinks about it. Caring about the environment is also low.

Just opens your eyes to what our money is spent on!

POEM attached       THOSE WERE THE DAYS

FLABBERGASTINGLY FRIDAY

It has been a week of cold dog walking on beaches and across fields. I walked in heavy snow one morning when temperature was 2 or 3 degrees and the next morning I walked in beautiful sunshine, the snow having disappeared overnight, at 0 degrees. How does that work. It has been a cold dull dank winter without a great deal of sun. Not a particularly bad winter just cold and dark. Cant wait for Spring.

Freemasons are taking out advertising in the UK as they feel they are getting a bad press. They feel they are discriminated against. Well. I have some news for them .It is probably because they discriminate against women, race, faith, age and class. In other words everybody but themselves. They claim they are no longer against women yet the membership is 200,000 men against 4,700 women. The Chief Executive when interviewed said “we are not a secretive society” yet would not show their secret handshake. ” Corruption is not tolerated” , yet their philosophy is that they show favouritism to their own members. There has always been suspicion that to get on in the police force or politics you need to be a member. They are going to need an awful lot of adverts to change peoples opinions I’m afraid.

Norway recycles 97% of its drinks cans and plastic bottles while we do 60%. Norway has vending machines that pay out for returned items. It obviously works. Our government “are looking into it.”

It has taken 36 years to decide Robert Wagner “may ” have had something to do with his wife Natalie Woods murder. Apparently he drank whisky for an hour and a half after she disappeared. So he is most likely to have killed her or at the very least was guilty of not trying to rescue her. A bit late really!

 

Prostrate cancer has now overtaken breast cancer as a killer. 11,000 deaths last year. If caught in the early stages there is a 98% chance of survival and at late stages 22%. Men apparently are shy to come forward to be tested. Well I have had prostrate. I had cancer and it was found during routine screening. I had no symptoms whatsoever. I had radiotherapy and have now been clear for 6 years. The PSA test is easy but the later physical examination is undignified if it is necessary. Embarrassment is a small price to pay to save your life so for men reading this get tested!

HUMOUR–Termites like the smell of biros and jaguars are attracted by Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men. So you know what not to take to the jungle!

One in nine Honduran men will be murdered. So don’t go there for your holidays!

Misspell is one of the most commonly misspelled words in the English language. Have I spelled it properly?

MacDonalds have intoduced a Grand Big Mac. It has 741 calories and contains 15g of saturated fat and 12g of sugar. So there goes their fight against obesity!

It was 100 years ago this week that women in the UK got the vote . Not all women. You had to be 30 and own property or be married to a house holder. So not many women! The government are CONSIDERING whether to pardon the suffragettes who broke the law.  Of course they should if they hadn’t have done what they did they might be still waiting!!!!!!!!

POEM attached        A BEATING HEART

 

 

 

 

 

FENOMENAL FRIDAY

Yes, Its Friday again.

When I used to work, it seems many moons ago now, I used to like today as it was the start of the weekend, Saturday and Sunday off! But now it is just like any other day. It hasnt got the same appeal somehow. I dont even get lie-ins any more. Thats what happening a dog does. He doesnt know the difference, he just wants his early walk to go and pick up the paper from the news agents.

So whats happened this week in the world!  Firstly, we had the first bitcoin robbery in the UK.Burglars stole a businessman’s bitcoins. Perfect crime really as they aren’t real, existing only in cyberspace. Can you be guilty of stealing something that doesn’t exist. I wonder.

I used to fancy Olivia Newton John, the singer of Grease fame. And Meg Ryan too. But since they both had plastic surgery or botox (or both) they now both look like fish. And who can fancy a fish.

Talking about fish (well not really becos its a mammal)  Apparently they have taught a Orca whale to say Hello and Bye bye. Bet it really wants to say “Fuck off and just leave me alone” I would!

A road safety campaigner in the UK this week mounted the pavement and knocked down the man who was having an affair with his wife. I suspect he might lose his job!

A woman in Brighton this week put a cardboard box in a communal recycling bin. As it was the wrong type of bin and she didn’t have a waste disposal contract she was fined £600. She would have done better by just throwing it over the nearest hedge! She would have been fined less!

The big problem is that stockpiles of rubbish are now building up as China doesn’t want our rubbish anymore.

HUMOUR There is a French law that stops people answering e-mails after 6-00.

The first person to go over the Niagara falls in a barrel and survive was a 63 year-old woman.

Tutankhamun was the only ancient Egyptian who was mummified with an erect penis!

His parents incidentall y were brother and sister.

Well done Roger Federer winning Aussie Open , his 20th Grand Slam. Looks as if he could go on for a while yet.

Phillip Glass an American big game hunter believes killing animals in cold blood is helping consevation. The cash he pays helps protect the African wilds. The going rate is $20k for a leopard and $50k for lion.This man shot a young elephant twice but still didnt kill it. So he lit a cigarette and watched it die! Apparently the Bible permits killing animals. For food I would suspect. Why dont we drop him in the African bush naked but give him a knife to make it fair. Idiot!

Piers Morgan, the arrogant TV presenter interviewed Donald Trump this week. He asked Donald Trump if he was a genius and of course trump agreed. It was the most sycophantic interview. Asking questions that allowed him to spout self evident crap. A proper journalist is supposed to ask searching questions and push the interviewee into real answers. But then Piers morgan thinks he is a genius too.

Oh and by the way Trump apparently cheats at golf. He claims his average score is 68.  A golf pro who has played with him thinks there is people who throw balls on the fairway as all his drives are straight. He claims he is a brilliant putter but never puts out.

Poem attachedAS AN ELEPHANT (previously Body Slows etc and When not if! )