FASCINATION FOR FRIDAYS

Well its another week  in the world and yet again a week for more bad news than good. so this week I’m going to start with humour

HUMOUR AMUSING LABELS.

“For use by trained personnel only” on a can of air freshener.

“Do not use as an icecream colouring” on a bottle of hair dye.

“Do not use for signing cheques or legal documents” on a vanishing fabric-marker.

“Do not use lit match to check fuel level” in instruction book for water ski.

And more HUMOUR——-Everyone has at least 50,000 thoughts a day but 95% of them are the same as the day before!

In the Second World War British troops were issued with 3 sheets of toilet paper a day , American soldiers 22. Does that mean Americans shit more, have bigger bottoms or that the British stingy?

Sweden makes biofuel from dead rabbits.

The Greek God Atlas had an auntie called Doris.

Pope Francis 1 used to work as a bouncer in a Buenos Aires nightclub. An unusual change of profession!

And now silly news then the bad stuff.

A bakery in Yorkshire believes it is politically correct to sell A Gingerbread Person rather than a Gingerbread Man.

Did you hear about the TV starlet that had so much collagen treatment to her lips when given a breathalyser for drink driving she couldn’t grip the tube in her mouth! Naturally she was found guilty!!!!

What about the married vicar of 59 who told the 16 year old girl when she had sex with him “it was fine with God”! naturally.

What is an ordinary person who wins $1.6 billion going to do with that sort of money. Thats how much a lottery winner in South Carolina has won this week. Would it not have been better to say have hundreds of people winning $10 million each. That way you make a lot of people happy rather than a silly amount to just one person.

China apparently is holding 1 million Muslims in secret political camps. Camps for indoctrination or as the Chinese are calling them, training camps. And we think they are gradually becoming democratic. Rubbish.

What a lot of hypocrites in the world.

First  Erdojan of Turkey. he has criticised Saudi Arabia for killing the Journalist in their Consulate. He is holsing 1000,s of journalists in Turkish prisons! he is also trying not to be too critical as he needs Saudi money as his country’s economy is up the creek.

Second The Saudis themselves . Prince Mohammed bin Salam, the crown prince. He didn’t know anything about this despicable crime, apparently. but he has promised to punish the “Rogue” perpetrators.

Third. The rest of the World , who will pay lip service to the Saudis as they need their trade and money.

In two or three weeks this will be old news and normal greed will prevail!!!

What a great time for the Honduras caravan to be on it’s way to the US.  Brilliant polical timing for Trump. He can frighten the American citizen with all these immigrants trying to to the Us and steal their jobs.

Also a bit of a coincidence all bombs being posted to democrats. Strange that.

POEM attached        ONLY NATURAL

 

 

 

 

 

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FRUSTRATINGLY NOT FRIDAY

Now I am fully aware that Im old although I dont admit to being senile, yet! But several things that have happened this week makes me wonder if it is me losing my marbles.

First Kleenex will not be manufacturing “Man-size” tissues any more because their have been complaints the expression is sexist. I think that is pretty stupid but I hope they still produce larger ones. They can call them “Jumbo-size”, “Extra large”, “Giant”, I dont really care, I just find I need big onrs.!

Next film star Keira Knightley wont let her daughter watch Cinderella and other Disney films as they dont feature strong female characters!

Yet another instance of correctness going mad is actress Kristen Bell who played Anna in “Frozen” believes it is wrong that the Prince kissed Snow White without her permission! She was in a coma , having been given a poisoned apple for God’s sake! What was he supposed to do?

Prince Charles went to the Commonwealth games in Queensland, Australia in April. He took with him a doctor, dresser, butler, valet and a travelling yeoman (sorry don’t know what one of them does) costing the hosts £155k travelling costs alone. Oh, i think his wife was there too. Thats ridiculous , its more than even Mariah Carey would take on a tour!

Did you know that nice people struggle with their finances more than grumpy people. Apparently agreeable just care less about money so dont look after it as well as the grumps in life.

Leading paediatricians in the UK have suggested all school children should be weighed every year in the fight again child obesity. I’m willing to bet all the obese parents wont allow it as it will show them up!!!!

HUMOUR—Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike competition to a drag artist.

“Meh” is the sound that Japanese sheep make. Is that Japanese for “Baa”?

The dark side of the moon is turquoise.

In China the Man in the Moon is known as the Toad in the Moon.

They tried out a new electric Hi tech train in the Uk last week. It ripped out 1600 feet of overhead cable and 100,000 people were delayed that day. yet another problem on our railways.

Main topic this week is on Saudi Arabia. The Saudis have for some time now done anything they like and the rest of the world has been petrified to say anything detrimental about them. The trouble is the Western world for some time has ignored Africa and Asia but the Arabs have oil and that means lucrative contracts. Money talks. All the western countries have large armament contracts with them and they are worried about losing them. Saudi Arabia is a country that beheads people, given up to a 1000 lashes. They have at 30,000 political prisoners in jails. They also crucify prisoners and gouge their eyes out. There have been some reforms, women are now allowed to drive but they are still second class citizens. Ok there are a large numbers of protests about the journalist being murdered in the Saudi Embassy in Turkey. But do we really think that the US will cancel $110 billion,s worth of armaments, and the UK £1.1 billion of contracts. Of course we wont. The Saudis are currently using UK bombs to kill Yemeni civilians.  And we have done nothing. The US believe if they fall out with Saudi Arabia they wont support them against Iran. And that is the biggest enemy in the area. In a few months time the hypocrites of the West will turn a blind eye to this inhumane regime. MONEY TALKS

POEM A WAR FOR THE WORLD

 

 

 

 

 

FURTIVELY NOT FRIDAY

Autumn is certainly here and winter is approaching but…………….. Hurricane Michael has been causing havoc in America and storm Callum has brought floods to the UK, yet the south of England has had their hottest Oct . day ever. So who knows what we are going to get when winter really starts!

I heard a really interesting story from a friend this week.

A friend of her late mother was a housekeeper in a stately home in this area of England. She was asked what she wanted as a leaving present on her impending retirement. She said “Well I have always loved one of the pictures in the library. That would be a lovely reminder of my time here” The lady of the house gulped but said “of course my dear, we will be delighted to give you that as a momento of your time here.”

And so the painting was handed over on her retirement. The old housekeeper wasn’t aware of this but the painting was by Canaletto , the famous Venetian artist and was worth several hundred thousand pounds.

A woman was arrested on suspicion of criminal damage for attempting to use a melon to break into a shop. Very strange!

Went to see “a Star is Born” Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were brilliant in it. But I was disappointed with the music and I thought the plot was very thin. I loved the previous version with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson. So my expectations were probably unfairly high.

HUMOUR—– Lenin spoke English with an Irish accent.

The world’s longest sausage was 39 miles long.

Breathing air in New Delhi is the equivalent to smoking 45 cigarettes.

The ancient Greeks cured hangovers by wrapping their heads in cabbage leaves.

Melania Trump claims she is the most bullied person in the world. Well as she surely can’t actually love Donald she must have married him for his money and power. Or perhaps its just because she is married to an idiot!

Apparently there is a big argument going on in England whether it is correct when having a scone to put jam on it first then clotted cream (the Cornish way) or the cream then jam (the Devon way). And me personally I dont give a damn1

Apparently the average person will recognise 5,000 people.

Scientists have found that sleepness nights will drive down the level of testosterone in a man. It doesn’t actually take a scientist to figure out that you dont perform as well if you are knackered. How stupid.

Back to one of my favourite subjects , Obesity.  The number of 10-11 children who are obese has risen from 31.6% to 34.3% in a year. When will politicians and health experts stop talking and actually take some action!!!!!!!

We have had another Royal Wedding in England this week. A lesser known Princess called Eugenie married some commoner. They tried to out do Harry and Meghan but this was a Championship wedding rather than a Premiership one.

Poem attached——A PLACE IN MY HEAD

 

 

FELICITOUSLY FRIDAY

Right, Im trying to talk about the bad and silly things of the week first and somehow Donald Trump is first. In my last blog I talked about that epitome of correctness, truthfuliness and just generally good-egg saying that the Democratic party and Hilary Clinton had a vendetta against him being voted in a Supreme Court judge. So how can he judged as un biased? Now that ultra fair minded President has mocked Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. now I really dont know if Kavanagh is guilty of rape or not but Trump should not be taking sides. It is wrong and unbecoming of the President in particular. Disgraceful behaviour. But in trump’s favour he is in love apparently. Him and Kim Jong-un are exchanging love letters.

Next it was the Tory party conference this week and two Tory ministers, Jeremy hunt, Foreign Secretary accused the European Union being like a Soviet jail after Phillip Hammond , the Chancellor of Exchequer said the Labour Party had similar economic policies to Stalinist Russia. Stalin was a mass murderer of his own people. Calling your opponents like this is from the gutter. It is purely done for effect but it is not right.. These are supposed to be leaders of the people. Also disgraceful!

A man in the Uk this week was found guilty of killing his 8 year old daughter as revenge against her mothers lesbian relationship. How evil is it possible to be?

HUMOUR —Bet you dont know what an “orgle” is. Ok, it is the strange gargling noise a male llama having sex makes!

The Pantone official colour chart has 104 shades of grey.

People who kiss their dogs have lower blood pressure than those who dont!

As a child Mozart was terrified of trumpets.

Right, a bottle of whisky was sold last week for £850, 000 or £28,000 a glass. thats obscene, how could anything be worth that.

Some company in the Uk has brought out Christmas tree crisps, pine salt flavoured. I doubt if I will be having any of them!

A professor has now come out and said even one drink every day will increase your risk of death by 20%. Especially if it is a glass of the afore-mentioned whisky!

259 people died last year while taking selfies including falling off cliffs bridges etc.

MORE HUMOUR—- Labels attached to products

“Caution not to be used for navigation” on a napkin dcorated with an old sea chart.

“Dont iron clothing while it is being worn, you’ll injure the wearer” on a steam iron.

“Do not put any person in this washer” on a washing machine.

“Do not use while asleep” on a hair-dryer.

Finally a football manager, Steve Bruce had a cabbage thrown at him during a game. His team Aston Villa have been doing badly this season. He was sacked later that evening.

But my question is, “Who takes a cabbage to a football match?

Sorry not much substance this week but most news was bad news so i thought I’d give you more humour.

POEM attached.                 A SMALL TOWN

FANTASIZING IT’S FRIDAY

Well it’s certaily not Friday and that is because it WAS friday last week I was in Paris. hadn’t been there for a while and had almost forgotten what a fantastic city it is. Stayed in an apartment in a residential suburb away from the tourists. It was an area surrounded by small bars and restaurants. Also fantastic boulangeries (bread shops), patisseries (cake shops) fromageries (cheese shops) charcuteries (specialist prepared meat shops. It was food and drink heaven. Have done most of the famous places so went round the  Picasso museum, the Rodin museum, d’Orsay (contains a large collection of French Impressionist paintings) Other new places for me were the Tour de Montparnasse (better views than from the Eiffel Tower) and Fountainbleue Palace and a boat trip which is actually compusory. Also just strolling round the streets of Montmartre,  along the Seine soaking in the atmosphere of what is probably the most romantic city in the world. Paris is not just being there it is who you with.

Did you hear about the albino squirrel that fell out of a tree. Don;t worry ! He’s all white now.

So Brett Kavanaugh is still suitable to sit on the US Supreme Court. This is a suspected (not proven) rapist who believes the lady accusing him , Dr. Christine Blasey Ford is at the head of a vendetta by the Democrats and Hilary Clinton. also in his speech he told the story of his ten year old daughter who thought they should forgive this misstaken lady. I honestly thought judges were supposed to be impartial. Obviously not in the USA!!!!!!!!!!

HUMOUR—-Mouse sperm is larger than elephant sperm, I presume there is just more of it.

It takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine.

A planet called HD 189733b, 63 light years from Earth, is lashed by rain made of molten glass and 4,000 mph winds. That’s worse than we get  here, on the North-east coast!

The busiest polling station in Ausralian elections is in London.

David Beckham , the ex footballer, gooff a speeding fine after doing 59 mph in a 40 mph zone. His expensive lawyer got him off as the police letter was late. Money talks.

In 27% of deaths on British roads drivers were not wearing seat belts. Also of another 25% deaths police could not tell if they were or not. Not wearing seat belts is just stupidity.

I’m looking forward to the new movie with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga in A Star is Born” Enjoyed the 1976 version with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson.

Yet another national disaster this week in Indonesia.  Looks likely at least 1000 people have died due to the earthquake and tidal wave.Technology has advanced dramatically in my lifetime but we are no nearer to controlling Nature.

There will soon be a new approach in Brexit negotiations. All the alternative policies will be put in a hat and we will stick to the one pulled out. We will do the same for candidates to be PM. Otherwise these talks will go on FOREVER!

POEM Attached                             SEASONS