A Grandfather who died left a request that an inscription on his gravestone read “the little bugger did his best” It was blocked by the local council who said bugger might offend someone. What a joke!!!!!

A man in Germany deliberately left his bath and sink taps running and his toilet blocked for at least a year. Approx. 1.85 gallons of water were used. Two things . Firstly he lived in an apartment building so how did it take a year to notice and no surprise he is is being appraised in an psychiatic hospital.

Words of advice for Jeremy Corbyn if he realty wants to get into power.

1/ Drop Diane Abbot as shadow home secretary. She is a total liability .

2/ Drop Ian Lavery Chairman of the party and joint coodinator at last general election. Mr Lavery was previously gen. secretary of Northumberland National Union of Mineworkers (NUM) before he became MP for Wansbeck. There are no pits left in the North East so I suspect it was not an arduous job. He received £180k for his troubles. Mr Lavery claimed his job was to help ex-miners and their families, he obviously included himself in this statement. This man is a disgrace to the North-east, to the Labour Party and to miners.

3/ Any one who has any anti semetic sympathies shoud be instantly expeled from the party.

To balance things Tottenham Hotspur football fans chant we are the Yid Army (Short fo Yiddish or Jewish) . a spanish newspaper this week other English football fans hated them because of this. The club were upset at this suggestion. Easy solution. Get the fans to stop chanting . Easy solution.

Staying on football. The English FA this week were made to look ridiculous this week. What people in football have to realise is that money doesn’t buy integrity, honesty and commonsense.

Qatar bought the next football World Cup for £12 billion. They also bought club side Paris Saint-Germain. FIFA top officials were all found to be corrupt. football, certainly in England is run by the Premier League who dictate to the FA  and everybody else because they generate all the money. The fans especially at club level are now irrelevant. WE don’t generate a great deal of cash. As long as the arrogant, self important, totally unscrupulous people run football nothing will change. These people are just like pigs fighting at a trough for the biggest share.


60% of people eating chocolate rabbits bite the ears off first.

Vanilla is more expensive than silver.

The chocolate on a Hobnob biscuit is on the bottom not the top.

Swearing uses a different part of the brain to ordinary speech.

Brexit (I really hate that word) discussions lead by laxy , slap dash David Davies who every time he is interviewed tells us talks are progressing well. Theresa May has gone to Europe this week to sort out those nasty foreigners.

David Cameron got absolutely nothing when he went to negotiate and May will get as much as they want to give us. At the end of the negotiations the Leader of the Tory party (I’ll be surprised if it is still her) will tell us what a wonderful deal they achieved. Cant wait.

Meanwhile back in England Phillip Hammond, the Chancellor, Boris Johnson, Foreign Secretary, and Amanda Rudd, Home Secretary (with diminutive Michael Gove under her arm) and William Rees-Mogg (more like the name of a flea bitten cat than a Prime Minister) jockey for the leadership. Oh, and i forgot the Trade Minister, Liam Fox who I wouldn’t trust to run a sweet shop!

Finally a very English orientated poem          .FIRST ALIENS TO COMPETE ON STRICTLY





I was reading an article about placebos this week and how they work. Apparently the more extreme they are the better they work. For example a harmless injection and minor operation work better than a pill and two pills work better than one pill. it basically works on the premise of Positive thoughts achieve Positive results and also a Doctors healing words work just as well. Food for thought.

Donald trump will not be meeting the Queen if as expected he visits the UK next year. It is suspected that the Queen refuses to curtsey to him!

North Korean diplomats in London owe £250,000 in parking fines and congestion charges. we should go to the UN  to make them pay. Oh, I forgot the UN can’t even get them to stop firing missiles!

So Catalan declared their independence from Spain this week but have suspended it for several weeks in order to have further dialogue. But they haven’t said with who? Thats a strange form of independence. Bit like Scotland I suppose.

Benny Andersson of ABBA fame is bringing out a sequel to Mamma Mia. He claims that Piers Brosnan who was in the first one and will reappear  in the sequel has a good voice. He must be going deaf is all I can say!

The Uk government lurches from one problem to another. The Ministers cant seem to agree on anything except they are all supporting Theresa May. They believe she is a wonderful leader  and nobody wants her job. Who is kidding who?

HUMOUR-Every year the worlds spiders consume more food than the worlds whales. They also spin more webs I guess!

The average British garden contains more 20,000 snails and slugs. Better not tell my daughter that.

The British eat more onions than the French!

Donald Trump presses a red button on his desk when he wants the White House butler to bring him a diet coke. I hope he doesnt get mixed up and presses the other one.

Jeremy Hunt, another of my favourite politicians, who claims he is  the UK Minister of Health believes that the average time a doctor spends with a patient is too short. It is 10 minutes.He believes it should be up to 50 minutes. He admits there are too few doctors at present. The said Mr Hunt wants to increase the numbers by 5,000 doctors by 2022 but admits people who want to leave the NHS is now at its highest figure since 1988. What planet is this man on?


CONEY-CATCHER-TO swindle, cheat or deceive.

PARGET- To daub the face or body with powder or paint. I know a few women like tat.

LOSENGER- A false flatterer, a lying rascal, a deceiver. Step forward Mr. Hunt.

DOWSABEL- Sweet heart, ladylove.

WASTEHEART- Used to express grief, pity or regret.

The Duke of Westminster died leaving £9.5 billion He paid less than £100,000 in inheritance tax. This is less than a load of average citizens pay. just goes to show if you can afford the best legal advice its worthwhile.

Poem attached          –HOPE





Stephen Paddock , madman of Nevada, USA, decided to have some target practice with 23 of the 42 legally owned guns he had. His target was 22,000 spectators at a country and western concert in las Vegas. He managed to kill 58 and wound 515. Of a population of 350 million people there are 300 million guns in public ownership. not enough a spokesman of the NRA (National Rifle Assoc)  thought as only 33,000 people die every year due to use of guns. Nothing is likely to change as the NRA have sufficient senators on the payroll to vote against any changes in laws. Why dont they charge these senators and NRA officials with manslaughter. It is the constitutional right for every American to own a gun to protect himself and his family. Well good luck with that. Ultimately the problem is the spineless President who was voted for and was partially financed by the gun toting public. Good Luck America, you might just need it!

You have to feel sorry for Theresa May. Given a joke P45, (where were the security people) had a bad cough (where were the doctors to give her a spray or something to get thro. an hours speech. Then the letters on the slogan behind her fell off.

Yes, I did feel soorry for her as a human being but you really shouldn’t have to feel sorry for the leader of your country.

Why doesnt somebody just put her out of her misery, please.

Memo to Michael O’ Leary of Ryanair. Do you know how to run an airline?

Come to think of the same applies to the bosses of Monarch, which has gone bust this week.

HUMOUR- The King of Rwanda lives in a terraced house in Manchester. Has he fallen that far from grace?

Artist Salvador Dali set his moustache was set at ten to ten , like the hands on a clock.

007 actor Sean Connery was once caught speeding by a policeman called James Bond.

The Chief economist to the Bank of England has never had a credit card. Why would he need one when he has access to all that money!!!!!!!

Outof 14,417 houses worth over £1 million in the UK 45 are in the North East. Point made!

Wonder if Catalonia will split from Spain. Will it then lead to other breakaways through out Europe.

Bank robbers in Brazil took 4 months to dig a tunnel 550 yards to break into a bank to steal £240 million. Unfottunately for them they were caught feet from their objective. OOPS.

So much for the cashless society. Bank notes in the UK jumped by 10% fastest growth in ten years. But on a recent visit to Denmark and Sweden I didnt need cash at all. It was all credit cards mostly contactless.

The bill for repairs to Big Ben is now £61 million. For a clock and a bell. Horrendous!


SILLYTONIAN- A silly or gullible person. How could it be anything else

AWHAPE- To amaze, stupefy with fear. Amazed me!

MERRY-GO-SORRY A mixture of joy and sorrow. Guessed that one.

ROUKER-A person who whispers or spreads rumours.

POEM attached             THE RITE OF RIGHT WRITING



Sorry its not Friday, Im late again but have had a lot of things going on. i know Ive said before, I am old but just because you are doesnt just mean you sit and watch day time TV and generally vegetate. I honestly dont know how I fitted work before. I certainly couldnt now. I’m fitter bcause I got a dog, walk 6 or 7 miles a day on beach or in fields I  am learning about subjects I was always interested in but didnt have time to look into before but I now have the freedom to do what I like when I like. It gives one a sense of freedom. There are obviosly physical limitations but , and I know im lucky, they are small so far. My mind seems to be ok as I go to a quiz every week and my team generally win with me contributing reasonably substantially. So dont fear old age , you just have to work at it.

I read an article in a newspaper this week about a little girl of 6 who wanted to be a boy so her mother has encouraged this. Now I have no problem about transgender adults what so ever but is it not too young to decide a child should change sex at that age. Also it was the mother who publicised this child with photographs in a 2 page article. Is that mother not putting her own feelings above the childs?


NICKUM- A cheat or dishonest person. Could have guessed that one.

MAN-MILLINERY- Suggestive of male vanity or pomposity.

WASTEHEART-Used to express grief, pity,regret.

SWERK- To become dark or gloomy. Just like the sound of that one.

WLONK- Proud, haughty, splendid. Again love the sound.

Back to Hurricane Maria, The British Virgin Isles are obviously British, Dominica isnt. So we give £5 million in relief aid to Dominica but because of European rules we cant give anything to the Virgin Isles. What absolut rubbish. We just give them both £5 million. What is Europe going to do ? Kick us out? Half the time I think they are just Government excuses.

Apparently some sea birds are feeding their chicks with scraps of plastic. The plastic is mixed up with proper food. There is so much plastic in the seas now it is everywhere even on ice floes in the Arctic. Can governments not get together to do something, surely it is for the common good?

So the far Right is now a major force in German politics. its a sign of the times.

A woman in England this week has been caught going to funerals , then attending the wake to eat and drink and taking away a bag of food. Apparently she has been doing it for 14 years. Oh by the way she didnt know any of the people who died!

HUMOUR–In 1924 half the worlds cars were Fords.

In Washington DC the Slovakian and Slovenian embassies meet once a month to exchange wrongly addressed mail.

Most Britons say “sorry” almost 2 million times. Sorry!

The first rulebook in Argentina stated that a player who had been fouled could accept an apology rather than involve the ref. Could you imagine trying to do that now.

Poem attached (with apologies to some readers)               ENIGMA





Have you ever been unhappy with your first name? Ive never actually been unhappy with my name Derek but have noticed when it it is used in books or Tv (dont think it  has ever made films) the person is a nerd or pathetic or just inadequate. I have certainly never heard of Derek in super hero terms. Now Im not complaining too much as the abbreviations for the name are relatively harmless, Del or Dekka. My surname is Wake. Quite an unusual name,  apparently originally from a man who woke people up to go to woke, a wakeman. Checking the  electorate register I found there were ony 11 Derek Wake’s in the UK. However I have a middle name, Livingstone. It is a Scottish name on my mothers side. I was alsoborn in Scotland. So my name Derek Livingstone Wake is unique in the UK.

The most common names last year were:- BOYS Oliver, Harry and George. GIRLS:-Olivia, Amelia and Emily. All pretty old fashioned names. In fact most of the top 10 of both boys and girls are old fashioned except the most common boys name if you included the various spelling would have been Muhammad, a sign of the times.

The destruction by storms Irma and Maria is just mind boggling. Some of the smaller islands have been devastated and will take years to rebuild. And the earthquake in Mexico. Tragic natural disasters. We are so lucky in the UK the only thing we get occasionally is flooding and few people will lose their lives.

HUMOUR-When the infant Mozart first rose to prominence some members of the Royal Society thought he was a dwarf. As a child he was terrified of trumpets!

The “izikhothane” are a South African gang who meet in carparks, cover themselves in custard and burn wads of cash. Sounds like fun!!!!!

Bananas have more trade regulatios than AK-47 rifles but they tend to kill less people!

How can Google, Facebook, Twitter, U-tube and Microsoft justify showing items like How to make car bombs, explosives and detonators, hate videos of all kinds and executions. In the Uk they make huge profits but virtually pay no taxes. If they cant react and delete this material why dont they just charge or even imprison board directors for incitement of violence. They have so much money fining them is useless.

It really must be stopped.


EAR-RENT– Figurative cost of listening to trivial talk. Of course it was!

TREMBABLE– Causing dread or horror.

HUGGER-MUGGER– Concealment, secrecy, clandestinely. I thought it might have been somebody who gave you a hug then mugged you.

SNOUT-FAIR–Fair faced, handsome. I thought somebody with a big nose!

PEACOCKIZE– To pose or strut. Naturally!

Travel by RYANAIR, the biggest airline in Europe. We’ll get you there but can’t guarantee we’ll be able to fly you home. This is the airline that cancelled 2000 flights but not taking any responsibility to get customers home. Huge fine required please.

Humorous poem(I hope)                                      YOU CANT WIN ‘EM ALL






Walks on the beach are getting colder now. Flip flops hung up for another year and shorts are still ok as long as I walk quickly. It is colder in the mornings and evenings and there is definitely a Autumnal feeling in the air. I have picked lots of wild blackberries when walking bruce in the fields. No one seems to bother picking them any more. Most of them will just rot on the bushes. Such a waste! Trees arent changing colour yet but I suspect they will in the next few weeks. Its often a lovely time of the year. just a case of wearing more clothes.

Whats happened this week? Another missile from North Korea launched over Japan. Will any action be taken? I doubt it , lots of words but very little action. Ethnic cleansing in Mynamar (Burma) Action ? Words at UN. Fights between British and German football fans. Nothing different there. The wall to keep Mexicans out of the US and getting Mexico to pay for it ?  No chance. Britain reacting quickly to aid Anguila and the Virgin Isles after hurricane Irma. Again no chance. We were much slower than the French in St. Martins. Also we cant use our overseas aid fund for so called rich countries but can use it to help China, India and the corrupt African nations. Nonsense. All in all very little change in the world.

HUMOUR Human rights were invented in Iran. Do you think they have forgotten?

In 2002 the US military developed a sandwich that stayed fresh for three years. But it probably tasted like shit!

Rice Crispies in Germany go ” Knisper, Knasper, Knusper” How do they manage to teach them German?

More humour. The RSPCA were called out to rescue a reptile from a home in in Coventry. It was 7 inches long and 2 inches wide and looked very ferocious! It was under a bed and when they finally coaxed it out they found it was a pink stripey sock! Apparently this species of lizard is harmless!

Another laugh. a hairdresser in Birmingham was fined £2,000 for using the wrong colour of bin bag. Three officials had to visit her premises and a 57 page report was produced as evidence.

Actually more humour. Dont know whats wrong with me this week!  When the bank of Mum and Dad lend their children money a survey found they very rarely get their money back. It didnt take a survey to tell us Mams and Dads that surely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The rest of the world might be going to pot but at least elephants are acting sensibly. Apparently they are becoming nocturnal to avoid poachers. Good for them.

Finally some old English words that have gone out of fashion.

Ambodexter- One who takes bribes from both sides. Im surprised that went out of fashion!

Betrump- Deceit, cheat, deceive. THat could easily come back into fashion!

Slug-A-Bed- A lazy bastard.

Quacksalver- a person who claims he knows about medicine

Rouzy- Bouzy- Could have guessed that was boisterously drunk

More words to come next week.

SHORT STORY rather than a poem attached.     A STITCH IN TIME





Its been a strange week in a way and a routine one in other ways.

The Brexit negotiations continue as normal with both sides calling each other for lack of progress. The British political parties continue to disagree in knowing what they actually want. Some seem to think we just come out and things will be pretty much the same as before except immigration will be reduced to next to nothing and we will control all our laws again. And we wont have to pay very little to come out. that is called the Conservative policy. The Labour party policy is things will be pretty much the same as before. Hopefully! The other parties including the Scottish national party dont actually matter. Where they are all united is that when we do actually leave, Westminister will be able to waste our money rather than way Europe. Wonderful.

Now that I have mentioned SNP the leader Nicola Sturgeon has actually given up quoting facts  and is now promising the voters her own totally unrealistic wish list. She is in cloud cuckoo land. Come to think of it she is just joining Trump, Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn in the “if you believe something sufficiently long enough” land it must be true!

Something that makes total sense is that St. Laurent, Gucci and Christian Laurent are going to give up using ultra skinny models. Bravo!

Scientists have worked out lack of sleep causes anxiety and depression. You dont need to be a scientist to work that out!

How is it we spend a fortune on sophisticated weaponry, space travel but we have no control over Hurricanes, Typhoons, Earthquakes etc. Can we not spend a lot more money on natural weather causes. Irma has totally destroyed some of the islands in its way and is headed towards Florida. I feel totally sorry for all the people involved.

HUMOUR There are more statues of lions in the world than there are real lions.

The bibbest dam built by beavers is twice as big as the Hoover dam in the US.

In 2007 210,000 Americans were injured by lawnmowers.

The Chilean word for plumber is “gasfiter”

The Government has announced there will be yet another consultation on a 3rd Heath Row runway. Which means it is not going to be built in my lifetime.

My only surprise about Wayne Rooney’s latest drink driving escapade is that people are surprised.

I’m really surprised that Aung San Sui Kyi, the leader of Myanmar (the old Burma) who was kept under house arrest for twenty odd years by the Military Government, and who won the nobel Peace prize dismissed the mass exodus of Muslims as down to terrorists.146,000 Rohinga people have fled to Bangladesh. Their villages have been destroyed by their own people according to her. Not the ruling Buddhist party of course.

Finally 1 in 10 people in the UK believe the Earth started with Adam and Eve not according to Darwin’s theory of evolution.

Poem attached          ALL IN THE MIND






Well I know I missed last Friday but I promise it was my last miss of the year. my holiday scedule for 2017 has now been completed and it is now a long run in to 2018. My last week was spent in the Yorkshire dales, staying in two villages Settle and Hawes. Hawes in particular is pretty and was enveloped in flowers especially hanging baskets. I had the feeling they were almost compulsory! We stayed in two pubs,  the Lion in Settle and the Fountain in Hawes. Both good in a way but the Lion seemed to be trying to overwhelm us with their prodigious portions of good food. I would also thoroughly recommend  the food in the White Hart in Hawes. I would also suggest the consumption of Thwaites, Theakstons and Black Sheep beers should be manditory in that area. Also there was two local musicians in the White Hart who seem to know some decents songs and were able to find their way round their guitar strings adequately. Suffice it to say we entered the pub at 6 o clock intent on one pint and left at closing time, so they must have been reasonably good!

The beauty of walking is that it doesnt cost anything but it is also good for body and soul. I am an agnostic but being in beautiful countryside especially mountains, tarns and waterfalls makes you wonder who created them and i suppose God is as good a guess as anyone! (is that sacrilege?, dont mean it to be) I have to say after being in Norway only 3 weeks ago the waterfalls and the mountains in the Dales were fairly small fry in comparison. Still beautiful though.

Humour-during the Second World War Lucozade was made from conkers! Did it still make you better?

Cleopatra’s needle was 1000 years old when Cleopatra was born!

For the last 3 months of his life, US President James Garfield had to be fed everything though his anus. At least he didnt speak through it like the current President!

The first ever webcam was in the computer lab at Cambridge Uni. it was trained on the coffee pot in the corridor to save the scientists making pointless trips when it had run out. And its been downhill ever since!

To those that have this blog before will know I support Newcastle United, a supposedly top English football team. We have not won a domestic trophy for 62 years and any trophy for 48 years. 50,000 people watch every home game and we take up every away ticket available. The only reason I can think why I have watched them for 56 years now is because it has made me a better person. I’m a good loser. I’d probably prefer to be a bad winner but I dont really get that choice. Again this season we are in a state of disarray and only 4 games have been played. Being a loser is good for the soul. It is like wearing a hair shirt. But hey ho football is only a game after all. I must keep telling myself that.

The Houston disaster is awful and you really have to feel for people who lose their homes. “Disaster Barbie” Trump obviously feels for them too. Her and her husband went to visit the disaster victims. She was originally dressed in jacket, trousers and her crocodile skin ultra high heels but she changed into a white shirt , black trosers and immaculate white tennis shoes. She obviously wasnt going anywhere near the water then!

Poem attached                                        .THE CORNER SWEET SHOP




I’m not sure if being fastidious is actually good or not. In fact I’m not even quite certain what it means. This in it’s self probably means I’m not very, or else I would have gone to the trouble of looking the meaning up. I suspect I’m just fairly fastidious. I live on my own and I’m very tidy. I like everything to be in it’s place. All my papers are filed and I know exactly where. I make lists of things I have to do and update it every morning. I do like order and tend to have a daily routine doing the same things at the same time each day. Part of that is because my dog likes routine and fit in with him. Sad really! I have now looked up the meaning in the dictionary and it means—not easy to please, very critical or another meaning is daintly refined, easily disgusted. I’m not the latter but quite a bit of the former. But the strange thing is the meaning applies to me much more than other people. I feel I never get anything completely right.

Enough of that lets talk about Donald Trump. He found it very difficult to criticise the neo Nazis, old KKK and anti blacks. Is that because they all vote for him I wonder. I can’t believe there is still as much hatred in the South. You would think the President would at least be even handed but of course it’s Donald Trump we are talking about. If anyone doesn’t agrree with him they are liars. enemies of the state or perpetrators of fake news. The man just continues to be bad news.

If anyone has been to the Isle of Skye off the west coast of Scotland they will know it is stunningly beautiful. But it has now become overrun with tourists and just hasn’t the facilities or accommadation to cope. They are a victim of their own success!

Good News.  Its official coffee is good for you! And it helps people with Type 2 diabetes like me. So following on from red wine now being good for your health this is great news for somebody who likes both a lot.

HUMOUR-Ancient Greeks declared their love for a woman by throwing an apple at her.

The Boy Scouts motto “be prepared” was originally followed by “to die for your country”

An Egyptian cure for insanity was to eat snake meatballs under a full moon. It isn’t reported how successful it was!

A “lully- prigger” was an 18th century thief who caught children and stole their clothing. we now call them perverts.

What a sensible idea. Learner drivers can now drive on motorways , under supervision of course. Before you passed your test , then, you could drive on them without the experience.

We keep talking about banning gambling machines that can lose as much as £100 per 20 secs. £1.7 billion was lost on them last year. But it has just been knocked back by chancellor Phillip hammond as it would cost the country £400 million in taxes. Never mind that people get addicted to them.

Poem attached         REGRETS





It was stated about a week ago by the self confessed cleverist man in British politics, Michael Gove that when we are actually free from European regulations we will have our own territorial waters back. The Scottish midget has said we will still allow European countries to fish in our waters as our own fishing fleet is now too small to fish it all ourselves. Considering we decimated our own fishing industry to accommodate European rules would it not make more sense to build our own fleet up again to cope with the extra opportunity. The said Michael Gove claims he is the son of a Aberdeen fisherman so he knows these things. He claims this  because he wants to be seen as working class. His father was actually a wholesale fishing merchants!!!!!

Is everyone so surprised that living in the North raises your chance of dying by 20%? You shouldn’t be. As the South is much wealthier than the North of course they live longer. Oh, and the gap is growing all the time. Incidentally the North includes the Midlands which has never been considered the North before, purely to make the populations relatively equal. I figure if they had taken the proper north the figuers would have been worse still!

I’m sorry in a gripe mode today. 6 out of 10 major road upgrade pledges in 2014 have not yet begun. Yet another Government pledge that is not happening. Probably becuse most of the Transport money is being spent on Crossrail (London) and HS2 , London to Birmingham, then Manchester eventually.

Top Universities in England are increasing the number of foreign students because they pay up to four times as much as British students. The number of British students is falling even though applications were 17% up.

The number of students taking French and German ‘A’ level dropped by a quarter beteen 2011 and 2016. We should be encouraging the teaching of all foreign languages. I have just come back from a visit to Norway, Denmark and Sweden and they virtually all speak English. When i went to school 50 years ago we started languages at 11. It is still the same. We should start much earlier than this, at 7 or even less. Surely it is more important than ever to know the  languages of the most important emerging  nations such as Chinese, Japanese, India Brazil( Portugese) and Spanish.

HUMOUR The Romans used powdered mouse brains as toothpaste. UGH!

Men with smaller testicles tend to make better fathers. But how small IS small?

Nike’s “Just do it” slogan was inspired by the last words of a murderer.

I’m afraid it really has been gripe week. So finally 400 police stations have closed in England and Wales in the last 10 years. That in a way is not totally bad . Technology and hugely improved communications have police forces much more mobile. But there are a lot less police on the beat and in the community. Crime figures are rising all the time because police have not got the early intelligence from the public as to what is happening. This in the past prevented crime.

Gripes week over. Much more pleasant poem attached          .GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN