FANDANGO FOR FRIDAY

I’ve had enough of this coronavirus, all these infections and deaths. I’m just fed up of talking about it. There’s not a lot I can do , continue life and stay safe, encourage my friends and family to be sensible and carry on until the immediate future. There is no question at my age life will be different but there will be a new normality which we will have to cope with.

So about four years ago I started to write a blog as you can tell from the heading it was Beach Thoughts- An  old dog and his bloke. Well my dog was younger then not old and I was the bloke who was old and still is just even older. I hope you understand that, it was all just a play on words. Anyway I walked on the beach where I live and every day was different. The beach changes , the tides ebb and flow , the sand moves, tides bring in all sorts of debris. I have never failed to be fascinated by the power of the waves and why the sea has never been used as an energy source to any great extent baffles me. The prevailing  weather at the coast is amazing , it can be windy in one direction then it changes direction and brings in clouds and rain. Or there are days where I can’t see the local lighthouse for fog then the sun breaks through and it is a glorious morning. Or in the winter when it starts to snow on a beach there is no where to go. But when your dog wants to go swimming  no matter the weather winter or summer it would be unthinkable to deprive him of the privilege. The clothing you wear is hugely important and once you brave the elements there is a certain type of masochism involved. All in all no matter what the weather is like I just love being in the open on the this everchanging  vista of beach. And while I walk I think. It allows me to open my mind to the freedom of my thoughts. I  try to remove my mind of everyday worries and gives me the clarity of more creative thoughts. Inspiration I suppose for poems, stories locked away in everyday life. Too profound it might be but it does work for me. Ok I’m lucky to have the environment and I would certainly accept that having a dog who has an insatiable appetite for walking helps. Oh, and because I am retired. That certainly helps.

HUMOUR– Did you know that Woody from Toy story’s last name was Pride?

Until January 2013 it was illegal for women in Paris to wear trousers!

People will gamble more if they are holding a crocodile. Holding a crocodile would be a gamble enough for me!

The original Popeye got his strength from rubbing a chicken. Spinach growers must have been delighted.

Crisp packets contain nitrogen!

Orthodox Jews can buy kosher sexual lubricants!

OLD FASHIONED WORDS

Hurry scurry– Turmoil, uproar

Foretoken-Prophetic sign, omen

Foozle–To make (or do) something awkwardly,

Fogbow– A phenomenon like a white or tinted rainbow.

Offing– A distant part of the sea from the shore.

Oozle–To steal.

GEORDIE WORDS

Champion–Good or brilliant.

Chare– Lane

Cuddy– A horse

Dowie– depressed

Dunch– To bump or crash.

Femmer– weak                                                                                                                                        POEM ATTACHED                                                 HOMECOMING

 

 

FANTASIZING IT’S FRIDAY

Well it’s certaily not Friday and that is because it WAS friday last week I was in Paris. hadn’t been there for a while and had almost forgotten what a fantastic city it is. Stayed in an apartment in a residential suburb away from the tourists. It was an area surrounded by small bars and restaurants. Also fantastic boulangeries (bread shops), patisseries (cake shops) fromageries (cheese shops) charcuteries (specialist prepared meat shops. It was food and drink heaven. Have done most of the famous places so went round the  Picasso museum, the Rodin museum, d’Orsay (contains a large collection of French Impressionist paintings) Other new places for me were the Tour de Montparnasse (better views than from the Eiffel Tower) and Fountainbleue Palace and a boat trip which is actually compusory. Also just strolling round the streets of Montmartre,  along the Seine soaking in the atmosphere of what is probably the most romantic city in the world. Paris is not just being there it is who you with.

Did you hear about the albino squirrel that fell out of a tree. Don;t worry ! He’s all white now.

So Brett Kavanaugh is still suitable to sit on the US Supreme Court. This is a suspected (not proven) rapist who believes the lady accusing him , Dr. Christine Blasey Ford is at the head of a vendetta by the Democrats and Hilary Clinton. also in his speech he told the story of his ten year old daughter who thought they should forgive this misstaken lady. I honestly thought judges were supposed to be impartial. Obviously not in the USA!!!!!!!!!!

HUMOUR—-Mouse sperm is larger than elephant sperm, I presume there is just more of it.

It takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine.

A planet called HD 189733b, 63 light years from Earth, is lashed by rain made of molten glass and 4,000 mph winds. That’s worse than we get  here, on the North-east coast!

The busiest polling station in Ausralian elections is in London.

David Beckham , the ex footballer, gooff a speeding fine after doing 59 mph in a 40 mph zone. His expensive lawyer got him off as the police letter was late. Money talks.

In 27% of deaths on British roads drivers were not wearing seat belts. Also of another 25% deaths police could not tell if they were or not. Not wearing seat belts is just stupidity.

I’m looking forward to the new movie with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga in A Star is Born” Enjoyed the 1976 version with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson.

Yet another national disaster this week in Indonesia.  Looks likely at least 1000 people have died due to the earthquake and tidal wave.Technology has advanced dramatically in my lifetime but we are no nearer to controlling Nature.

There will soon be a new approach in Brexit negotiations. All the alternative policies will be put in a hat and we will stick to the one pulled out. We will do the same for candidates to be PM. Otherwise these talks will go on FOREVER!

POEM Attached                             SEASONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FAILING TO BE FRIDAY

Well the weather in the Uk in the tha last few weeks has been unusually hot. They say the hottest and driest since 1976. It has been unusual as I have been able to go walking with my dog on the beach or across the fields near me just in a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops without the worry of it raining at any time. Does not happen too often on this North east coast. It is a pleasure to be back walking my dog on the beach after several weeks of him being injured. After just 8 weeks of having the ligaments of his back leg being repaired and a metal plate being inserted he is back swimming in the sea and chasing his ball for as long as Im prepared to throw it.

With the weather being excellent more people are talking about it rather the wars going on in the world or even Brexit! People are very fickle.

The Goverment had a cabinet meeting in Newcastle this week to show how much they care about this region presumably. They need to as if we reach a “No Deal” conclusion with Brexit this Region will suffer twice as much as any other region. We export more percentage wise than any other region and are given much more in grants (again percentage wise) than any where else. The funniest thing was their train back to London took 6 hours rather than the usual three. Now they might realise how normal rail users suffer!

Prince Charles supported a paedophile Bishop even when the guy was suspected of crimes against young boys. Charles gave him money and accommodation becuse he didnt believe the authorities. Now he believes he should be treated differently because he is Royal. His arrogance should be one of the reasons he should never become King!!!!!!

While Im on the subject of Roals, Princess Eugenie is getting married soon. She apparently thinks she should have a similar wedding to Prince Harry. Why I dont know. She does very little of note, in fact she is pretty much like her father, Prince Andrew, who is  also pretty useless.

Again another arrogant Royal!

HUMOUR–The ancient Egyptian word for cat was pronounced “Miaow”. what a co-incedence!

Aristotle thought small penises were better because semen got cold in larger ones! No comment.

In 1976 Ron Wayne , co-founder of Apple sold his shares for $800. Today they would be worth billions. Oops!

Its illegal in Saudi Arabia for men to work in lingerie shops.

Record numbers of 10 and 11 year old children in UK are classed as “severely obese” A severely obese adult will die 10 years earlier than an adult of normal weight. This really should be a Government priority as it is not just a case of people dying but the cost of treatment by the NHS for overweight people.

POEM attached——The silence is broken

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THATS FUNNY IT’S not FRIDAY

Well the weather has changed dramatically. We are not bothering with Spring this year. We have jumped straight into Summer. (Or so it seems.) Plants  and flowers are weeks behind normal but all of a sudden there is blossom on the trees and the flowers and plants have burst in life. Have you ever noticed how much how much happier people are when the sun is shining. They smile more, say good morning and generally linger to have a conversation. I suspect productivity is better and not as many days are lost on absenteeism. I haven’t seen any figures but I would also suspect people will be healthier too. For us dog walkers who were out whatever the weather during winter  we deserve the better weather now.  We have earned it.

The biggest story this week involves West Indians, 50,000 of them who arrived here with their parents. The Home officer has tried to evict them as they didnt have the necessary paperwork, which the Home Office itself managed to destroy. Some people lost all their benefits, some were denied cancer treatment, some were detained but worst of all they were threatened with deportation. The Prime Minister has apologised and it is likely they will all be compensated.  Apparently it was all a big mistake. Nobody so far has admitted it was their fault. No doubt some lowly official will be eventually blamed while the top officials having said “sorry” and given them money to go away thinnk they have done enough!. By the way it is our money, the tax payer’s money they are giving away!

But even worse Europe is now worried that our Home Office cant handle 50,000 people properly how are they going to process after the 3 million Europeans nationals living in this country after Brexit. It doesn’t inspire confidence.

This country is discussing ways to cut down on the use of plastic. We talk about these things forever and take years before we do anything. France have already banned a lot of them now. Another case of actions speak louder than words.

A woman who killed someone while driving while drunk pretended she was blind, disabled and had a brain tumour. She had previously been jailed for falsely accusing a man of rape. Fortunately she wasnt believed and she got 9 years in jail. Excellent.

Humour.Half of all human beings have mites living in their eyelashes. Have you checked yours recently/

Elvis was naturally blonde.

Blonde footballers are 15% more likely to score in penalty shootouts than dark-haired footballers.

On average Britons will eat 1,126 chickens in their lifetimes.

So, we are going to get blue passports which we dont need, printed by a foreigner company and the British company who print them now will pay off some of their workers who I presume pay tax and national insurance. Is that not a bit silly?

Why doesnt the Labour party just kick out all the anti Semitics in the party rather than just talk about it/

Poem attached      SECRETS

 

 

FALLING FOR FRIDAY

Please Hillary stay well! You’re country needs you.

Lets hope this ceasefire in Syria holds. The civilians left there especially in Aleppo deserve it. Last weekend the Russians were using chlorine bombs. The only thing is Assad will have to go. Can somebody not just assassinate him?

Hate to mention this but Newcastle Utd. my football team have started off the season quite well. I know it is early days but they won 6-0 away from home this week and I cant remember them ever doing that before and Ive been going to the games for something like 55 years. Fingers crossed

As I was walking my dog today in the torrential rain today I just thought how most dog walkers only walk when the weather is nice, especially those with small dogs. Bruce being a labrador has to be walked no matter what the weather or he would drive me crazy. So he is out for three walks in total about 2 1/2 hours every day no matter what the weather, winter or summer. There are days where  I could easily make an excuse not to go. But ………… It was a hassle today for example. Putting on wellington boots waterproof trousers and anorak and using an umbrella (normally its to windy ) then come home and clean and dry a big muddy dog. Have done it twice, one walk to go. Still once Im out I do love being in the fields or on the beach and wouldnt swop it! Besides it keeps me fit.

Talking about dogs I noticed today when I want my dog to actually do something I actually say please. Instinct I suppose its not as if I expect him to be polite.

A preacher in the US who was vehmently against gays has had to resign as he was caught using a internet site for gay sex. That is called “shitting in ones own nest” which I believe was originally a Shakespearean saying.

Humour The London underground was originally intended to terminate in Paris!

In Imperial Japan high born women peed standing up so they didnt crease their kimonos.

There are more libraries in Britains prisons than there are in its schools.

78% of Bulgarians never do any exercise. Lazy bastards!

David Cameron, ex PM, has announced he is giving up his seat in the House of Commons. He is writing his memoirs , which are expected to earn him in excess of £5 million and go on the speaking circuit which can pay up to £250K.a speech.He is to get a pension and expenses of over £100k to start up his own office. His wife is expected to start her own fashion design business so dont feel too sorry for him.

While on politics the number of MPs in the commons is expected to reduce to 600 with Labour likely to lose 1/2 of the seats, 25. It is an independent body so is fair. George Osborne and Jeremy Corbyn are expected to lose their seats which cant be a bad thing. But when are they going to do something about the House of Lords which now has 800 unelected members

Why are the USA lagging in the Paralympic medal table behind China, Uk and Ukraine and Russia aren’t even there. Do they not take it as seriously as the able bodied games?On that subject the guy who finished 9th in the Olympics is in line for the bronze medal in weight lifting as 6 of the men above him have failed drugs tests.

 

Poem attached                   mindblowing

 

FIGHTING TO BE FRIDAY

I,m late again, this should be friday but I,m blaming those compulsive watching  Olympic games. My sleep patterns are totally confused but we Brits are just doing so well! We are second in the medal table only behind the mighty US. With two days to go we are ahead of China and it is our best foreign games. I say foreign because last years home Olympics in London is likely to remain as our best ever for years.

A negative is the cowardly Ryan Lochte who after claiming he was robbed at gunpoint by the Brazilian police. He and three other swimmers lied to cover up some criminal damage they did to some toilets. He immediately got a plane home, two others were pulled off a plane and the fourth disappeared. Great swimmers but scumbag people. Will Ryan fly back to Rio to face the music. I doubt it. But his country should force him to go back. Such a pity.

Scientists this week claim dogs would rather have praise from their owner than be given treats. They obviously didnt include Labradors in their test. My dog would do anything for a treat. If burglars came to my house with food he would help them carry away my stuff.

The BBC are sacking the Meteorological Office who have provided weather forecasts for for 90 years in favour of a Dutch company. Apparently it is cheaper. Brits will lose their jobs but I wonder if The Dutch are promising more accurate forecasts or are they just promising BETTER weather!!!!!

There is a new book coming out about the Russian Tsars and how cruel they were to common people. When you think about it they went from the Tsars to Stalin and now have Putin and the Russian mafia. Things havent improved a great deal for the ordinary Russian have they?

A recent survey in the UK has found thet the taller the man is the more he earns and he is likely to vote Tory. Also the heavier a woman is the less she earns. Who said life was fair?

HUMOUR Golfers can get “golf ball liver” from licking their balls. Wonder what they get for licking golf balls.

William Morton , the father of anaesthesia, first experimented on himself but kept falling asleep before he could describe the results. Thats why it took so long, then!

It takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine!

The busiest polling station in the Australian elections is in London.

A father in England is suing his sons boarding school for not doing well in his exams. As he had been at the school 5 years would he not have known by then the school was very good or is it not  possible the kid was just a lazy bastard! People sue for anything these days.

A final gripe. It is about time laws were implemented to force companies to reduce the sugar content in food and drink. High sugar content and fast foods cause obesity which leads to diabetes, greater risk of heart disease and cancers. Which costs us for treatments on the NHS. 1/3 of children in the UK are overweight. So surely , if we encourage more sport especially in school and force companies to use less sugar and deter the promotion of fast foods through outlets and supermarkets it would improve health and rduce health treatment costs.

What do the government do? They make it voluntary not law. What a cop out!!!!!

Thanks for listening. Poem attached      PERCEPTION

FLAMING FRIDAY

It is not very often living in the North East of England we can say it is hot. Well this we can. To be fair only for a couple of days. But the rest of the week it has been pleasantly warm. In fact for a labrador called Bruce it has been too hot. He still seems to have a winter coat which I can actually pull out in tufts. They are certainly a cold climate dog and do suffer when it is warm. But of course I live on the coast so he can cool off in the sea every day. They just love water.

I am not going to mention politics this week as frankly I’m just fed up with it. The television and media are in their element and its just on ALL the time. My only thought is that virtually all politicians of all the various parties appear to be only interested in themselves rather than their parties or the country!

This word for Britain leaving the European Union is BREXIT. I hate this word , it means nothing!!!!!!!!

Ok Russia should be banned from participating in the Olympic games in all sports never mind athletics. Their sports ministry actually organised positive drug tests being changed. Also the punishments for being caught should be a lot harsher, a ten year ban or even life. They are CHEATS. Then it would be an example to others.

Turkey has had a failed coupe this week. They keep saying they are democratic. They are not. Just like Russia, China, North Korea and several African countries who don’t allow freedom of speech and civil rights they are dictatorships. As are most of the Arab countries. In fact at the end of the day the majority of people in the world live in dictatorships!!!

I am against nuclear weapons. If any country does use them I don’t believe just the country being attacked will suffer. I think the rest of the world will suffer.

A recent survey claims men spend more time than women on the phone. That doesnt surprise me , men also gossip more and a lot of the time talk a load of shit. Sorry fellows.

Humour . The labourers who built the Great Wall of China were fed on sauerkraut. What no rice?

Hamsters can only blink with one eye at a time!

Eating dogs is legal in 44 US states

The human brain has enough memory to hold three million hours of television. What a frightening thought!!!

50 Shades of Grey has now earned £52million for author EL James after the film rights were sold. If only she could write properly!

Christina Estrada, The super model has been awarded the following in her divorce settlement. £60million for a small house in London, then per annum, £600k for private jets, £21k for shoes, £83k for dresses, £15k for three suitcases, 34k for sun glasses, £59k for handbags and £93k for facials. She has £20 million of her own money by the way. Who says there is one law for the rich etc.

Finally , talking about the rich it has been announced the Queen is taking in lodgers. Not just any lodgers of course. It will cost you £20k a month for a 4 bed apartment at St. James palace if you fancy it.

Poem attached as usual  MEMORY OF DAYS GONE BY

FEATURING FRIDAY

Its been a strange week but at least the weather has improved and its warmer. Was just thinking when I was walking on the beach this week how we take our dogs for granted. I have have met more people through having my Bruce than i would have otherwise. He is a labrador and he cannot pass any other dog or person I meet. People with dogs actually speak to each other. Not so much in the winter when we just just say hullo and move on it is so cold but in the summer you tend to linger and speak at length. the conversation virtually always starts with the weather. We Brits are obsessed by weather. So your dog almost introduces you to other people. Also because my dog is so inquisitive I got to know most of the people who live near me. Labradors have such a friendly nature they are difficult to dislike. All the local kids know him by name but they don’t know mine. I’m only his dogwalker. I nearly said master but in his case that wouldn’t really be true. He mostly does as I ask him but in his own time. It is difficult to know who actually is in charge. But he is as faithful as the day as long and as long as he is walked a lot (in my case 2 and a 1/2 hrs a day, is fed and gets plenty of sleep he is happy. Oh sorry I throw the ball on the beach for him for at least an hour and he will chase and drop it at my feet. Labradors do not chase animals like rabbits or birds, they are not killers they will retrieve dead animals but not kill them. They are just gentle dogs. the only troble is if a burglar broke carrying food a labrador would help him carry the “swag bag”

Humour  Whoopi Goldberg used to be a bricklayer.

Jerry Springer was born in Highgate Tube station in london.

65% of Pakistani soldiers have dandruff. Do they not know about “Head and Shoulders”

Louis X and Charles VIII of France both died as a result of playing tennis. Eh

Congrats Hillary. All you need to do now is slay the Trump beast.

British Navy destroyers costing £1 billion don’t work if the sea is too hot. Thats ok . we’ll just have to have battles in colder climes.

So Demi Moore has grey hair. It doesn’t make her any less attractive.

Nick Hurd, who is a very junior government minister said the £250 million we gave to the corrupt nation of Nigeria last year was an “absolutely tiny” amount. What sort of idiot is he?

Banksy , the famous graffiti artist did one of his works on a school wall in Bristol. Brilliant.

So we are ready in this country to repel immigrants. Really . With 3 vessels to patrol 7723 miles of coastline we are going to find it difficult. Italy  have 600 vessels and Greece 240 !

Finally thanks Muhammad Ali. Not just a boxer, although you were the best. But civil rights activist, principled man, comedian and fantastic example of how to fight Parkinsons. A truly great human being!

Poem attached                  THE PARK

 

 

 

 

FLAMING FRIDAY

This new month is know as Flaming June but so far in this part of the country flaming is not quite the appropriate word to be used. For over a week now while the rest of the country has been basking in sunshine the North East coast has been assaulted by a freezing North wind with constant grey skies. The temperatures have been lower than those at Xmas apparently. I have gone from short-sleeved tee shirts and shorts to fleece lined trousers and ski jacket , scarf and gloves and wooly hat. I wonder if there is any correlation in that the rest of England is concerned about the amount of immigrants increasing populations substantially whilst in The North East they are barely increasing?

Donald Trump commissioned Andy Warhol to paint Trump Tower in 1987. Trump refused to pay saying it was “not colour co-ordinated”. Two things , at first I thought it meant he was actually painting the actual building then I realised it meant a portrait1. Silly me!. However I don’t know whose opinion I would take the most readily.

Marks and Spencers, the large British dept. store have decided to drop in-store piped music. About time. Did anyone ever like piped music?

The 11 year girl who had £1000 a month spent on her said “I’m just a normal kid ”  Yes right. Who’s a spoilt brat then?

Did you read the story of the little boy who fell into the Gorilla’s enclosure at Cincinatti zoo? It is difficult to tell if the gorilla was protecting or attacking the little boy but the authorities shot the gorilla. They didn’t have any choice but to kill it. Which was sad. The real guilty parties are the boys parents. They should be prosecuted for child cruelty and the cost of replacing the gorilla.

Continuing the animal theme there is a 47st. bear being kept as a house pet in Russia. Beautiful, touching pictures but while the people are well meaning the bear should be out in the wild where it belongs.

Humour.  People are more likely to co-operate with you if you give them something warm to hold. Good idea!

The Daleks in Dr. Who were based on the Nazis.

Penis worms do not have heads (or penises)

Ancient Egyptian bakers who cheated their customers were punished by having their ear nailed to the door of the bakery. Hear hear.

In Hindi, a “chummery”is a house shared by two or more bachelors.

Tata, the Indian company that owns the British steel industry has the British government bending over backwards , offering £900 milllion support and changing rules on pension funds in order not to close it all down. How is an Indian company being left to decide what happens to our steel industry? Also what sensible country sells off its utilities and allows foreign ownership of them. That’s right it’s  the UK                                                            Poem attached.    STORIES TO TELL

 

 

 

FABULOUS FRIDAY

For about the first time this year I can say it is a beautiful sunny day! It really is but I have got wet twice today out walking the dog. Just sudden heavy showers but at least it is now warm enough that you dry quickly. But like a true Brit we always complain about our weather and we have had a period of lack of any heavy rain so the fields are showing cracks and the gardens need watering! It has been a difficult week, I lost all my keys and searched high and low in my house without success ( I did find a lot of things I’d mislayed however) So I got a new set cut from my daughters set and within 2 hrs someone had found my original set somewhere down my street. Then I scraped the car to avoid a bus and finally my dog hurt another dog on the beach and I have vets bills to pay. My dog is not aggressive, he just tried to mount this other dog. And because the other dog was old(13) and a lot smaller Bruce hurt him. Bruce has been castrated but it doesnt stop them trying to mount other dogs.Also other dogs try to mount him all the time. It just one of those things on the beach.

People in this country know most of the press is right-wing so it does not come as a surprise that the Daily Mail (which is ulra right-wing) is complaining about the appointment of the new ITV is a woman, is left-wing, has no experience of journalism is an economics graduate from UCL, did a business degree in America, oh and by the way is Jewish and attractive. She sounds perfect to me!

So Muirfield golf course in Edinburgh will not host the golf Open championship any more. They didn’t get the required majority to allow women to join the club so are off the list. Have these guys not got wives I wonder what they think of their husbands views. Pathetic men!

Humour -Every leech has 18 testicles and two ovaries- a load of balls in my opinion!

Fruit flies take their time over difficult decisions, they would make good politicians then

The Dutch Crown jewels are made of fake pearls, fish scales and coloured foil. I wonder if ours have been checked recently?

St. George is the patron saint of England, leprosy and syphilis. EH?

Stella McCartney, daughter of Paul the Beatle is a fashion designer. Her clothes are very expensive. I certainly dont consider myself an expert on fashion but anyone sgree that her clothes are actually hideous. They do nothing for the wearer!

Ukraine won the Eurovision song contest with a happy little ditty about Stalin deporting Crimean Tartars in World War ll (They were later slaughtered) Runners up were Australia(how did they get in?) and Russia. Uk were third last 24th out of 26. It not because we produce worse songs than everybody else because most are bad anyway it is because not many countries actually like the British.

Sorry a little bit of politics, MP’s expenses went up 40% in 5 years. Why would anyone be surprised everyone knows they are a set of greedy bastards!!!!!

Apparently this country will be a nation of driverless cars in 4 years. Good job I’ve got a bus pass (it doesnt include buses does it?)

This week for a change it is some flash fiction. Hope you like it.PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIME