FURTIVELY NOT FRIDAY

Autumn is certainly here and winter is approaching but…………….. Hurricane Michael has been causing havoc in America and storm Callum has brought floods to the UK, yet the south of England has had their hottest Oct . day ever. So who knows what we are going to get when winter really starts!

I heard a really interesting story from a friend this week.

A friend of her late mother was a housekeeper in a stately home in this area of England. She was asked what she wanted as a leaving present on her impending retirement. She said “Well I have always loved one of the pictures in the library. That would be a lovely reminder of my time here” The lady of the house gulped but said “of course my dear, we will be delighted to give you that as a momento of your time here.”

And so the painting was handed over on her retirement. The old housekeeper wasn’t aware of this but the painting was by Canaletto , the famous Venetian artist and was worth several hundred thousand pounds.

A woman was arrested on suspicion of criminal damage for attempting to use a melon to break into a shop. Very strange!

Went to see “a Star is Born” Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were brilliant in it. But I was disappointed with the music and I thought the plot was very thin. I loved the previous version with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson. So my expectations were probably unfairly high.

HUMOUR—– Lenin spoke English with an Irish accent.

The world’s longest sausage was 39 miles long.

Breathing air in New Delhi is the equivalent to smoking 45 cigarettes.

The ancient Greeks cured hangovers by wrapping their heads in cabbage leaves.

Melania Trump claims she is the most bullied person in the world. Well as she surely can’t actually love Donald she must have married him for his money and power. Or perhaps its just because she is married to an idiot!

Apparently there is a big argument going on in England whether it is correct when having a scone to put jam on it first then clotted cream (the Cornish way) or the cream then jam (the Devon way). And me personally I dont give a damn1

Apparently the average person will recognise 5,000 people.

Scientists have found that sleepness nights will drive down the level of testosterone in a man. It doesn’t actually take a scientist to figure out that you dont perform as well if you are knackered. How stupid.

Back to one of my favourite subjects , Obesity.  The number of 10-11 children who are obese has risen from 31.6% to 34.3% in a year. When will politicians and health experts stop talking and actually take some action!!!!!!!

We have had another Royal Wedding in England this week. A lesser known Princess called Eugenie married some commoner. They tried to out do Harry and Meghan but this was a Championship wedding rather than a Premiership one.

Poem attached——A PLACE IN MY HEAD

 

 

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FELICITOUSLY FRIDAY

Right, Im trying to talk about the bad and silly things of the week first and somehow Donald Trump is first. In my last blog I talked about that epitome of correctness, truthfuliness and just generally good-egg saying that the Democratic party and Hilary Clinton had a vendetta against him being voted in a Supreme Court judge. So how can he judged as un biased? Now that ultra fair minded President has mocked Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. now I really dont know if Kavanagh is guilty of rape or not but Trump should not be taking sides. It is wrong and unbecoming of the President in particular. Disgraceful behaviour. But in trump’s favour he is in love apparently. Him and Kim Jong-un are exchanging love letters.

Next it was the Tory party conference this week and two Tory ministers, Jeremy hunt, Foreign Secretary accused the European Union being like a Soviet jail after Phillip Hammond , the Chancellor of Exchequer said the Labour Party had similar economic policies to Stalinist Russia. Stalin was a mass murderer of his own people. Calling your opponents like this is from the gutter. It is purely done for effect but it is not right.. These are supposed to be leaders of the people. Also disgraceful!

A man in the Uk this week was found guilty of killing his 8 year old daughter as revenge against her mothers lesbian relationship. How evil is it possible to be?

HUMOUR —Bet you dont know what an “orgle” is. Ok, it is the strange gargling noise a male llama having sex makes!

The Pantone official colour chart has 104 shades of grey.

People who kiss their dogs have lower blood pressure than those who dont!

As a child Mozart was terrified of trumpets.

Right, a bottle of whisky was sold last week for £850, 000 or £28,000 a glass. thats obscene, how could anything be worth that.

Some company in the Uk has brought out Christmas tree crisps, pine salt flavoured. I doubt if I will be having any of them!

A professor has now come out and said even one drink every day will increase your risk of death by 20%. Especially if it is a glass of the afore-mentioned whisky!

259 people died last year while taking selfies including falling off cliffs bridges etc.

MORE HUMOUR—- Labels attached to products

“Caution not to be used for navigation” on a napkin dcorated with an old sea chart.

“Dont iron clothing while it is being worn, you’ll injure the wearer” on a steam iron.

“Do not put any person in this washer” on a washing machine.

“Do not use while asleep” on a hair-dryer.

Finally a football manager, Steve Bruce had a cabbage thrown at him during a game. His team Aston Villa have been doing badly this season. He was sacked later that evening.

But my question is, “Who takes a cabbage to a football match?

Sorry not much substance this week but most news was bad news so i thought I’d give you more humour.

POEM attached.                 A SMALL TOWN

FANTASIZING IT’S FRIDAY

Well it’s certaily not Friday and that is because it WAS friday last week I was in Paris. hadn’t been there for a while and had almost forgotten what a fantastic city it is. Stayed in an apartment in a residential suburb away from the tourists. It was an area surrounded by small bars and restaurants. Also fantastic boulangeries (bread shops), patisseries (cake shops) fromageries (cheese shops) charcuteries (specialist prepared meat shops. It was food and drink heaven. Have done most of the famous places so went round the  Picasso museum, the Rodin museum, d’Orsay (contains a large collection of French Impressionist paintings) Other new places for me were the Tour de Montparnasse (better views than from the Eiffel Tower) and Fountainbleue Palace and a boat trip which is actually compusory. Also just strolling round the streets of Montmartre,  along the Seine soaking in the atmosphere of what is probably the most romantic city in the world. Paris is not just being there it is who you with.

Did you hear about the albino squirrel that fell out of a tree. Don;t worry ! He’s all white now.

So Brett Kavanaugh is still suitable to sit on the US Supreme Court. This is a suspected (not proven) rapist who believes the lady accusing him , Dr. Christine Blasey Ford is at the head of a vendetta by the Democrats and Hilary Clinton. also in his speech he told the story of his ten year old daughter who thought they should forgive this misstaken lady. I honestly thought judges were supposed to be impartial. Obviously not in the USA!!!!!!!!!!

HUMOUR—-Mouse sperm is larger than elephant sperm, I presume there is just more of it.

It takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine.

A planet called HD 189733b, 63 light years from Earth, is lashed by rain made of molten glass and 4,000 mph winds. That’s worse than we get  here, on the North-east coast!

The busiest polling station in Ausralian elections is in London.

David Beckham , the ex footballer, gooff a speeding fine after doing 59 mph in a 40 mph zone. His expensive lawyer got him off as the police letter was late. Money talks.

In 27% of deaths on British roads drivers were not wearing seat belts. Also of another 25% deaths police could not tell if they were or not. Not wearing seat belts is just stupidity.

I’m looking forward to the new movie with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga in A Star is Born” Enjoyed the 1976 version with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson.

Yet another national disaster this week in Indonesia.  Looks likely at least 1000 people have died due to the earthquake and tidal wave.Technology has advanced dramatically in my lifetime but we are no nearer to controlling Nature.

There will soon be a new approach in Brexit negotiations. All the alternative policies will be put in a hat and we will stick to the one pulled out. We will do the same for candidates to be PM. Otherwise these talks will go on FOREVER!

POEM Attached                             SEASONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FALSIFYING FOR FRIDAY

Yet again I have missed Friday and will again next week as i’m off to Paris. I have been retired from work for 7 years now but I reckon I’m busier now than I,ve ever been. So when people tell you they are retired it doesn’t necessarily mean they sit around all day reading or watching the TV. It might be exactly the opposite.

Have just seen on Facebook a woman posing with a dead leopard. She calls herself Britanny L. Apparently it was the 9th largest -ever leopard. She must be very proud to have killed such a beautiful creature. I would love to see her turned loose in the same area and the leopards chase her. Oh, sorry I,m not really allowed to say that. Sorry. Ok. I would give her 5 minutes start on the leopards!

Sooty the TV puppet is 70 this year . so is Prince Charles.They are both members of the Magic Circle. I get mixed up between them but I reckon Sooty is the more sensible even though he squirted Charles’s father Prince Phillip with a water pistol.  Prince Phillip was not amused but the Queen was!!!

Last word on Serena Williams. You should not talk to ANYONE like she talked to the umpire no matter what. It is called good manners . Clearly she hasn’t got any. And she certainly didn’t think about her 20 year old opponent at the other end! Incidentlly she got fined $17,000 out of her $1.7m prize money. And the umpire, he was paid £375!

HUMOUR The following are all labels on products,

Do not attempt to stop blade with your hands—— On a chainsaw.

This product should not be used as a dental drill—–On a DIY power drill.

Wearing of this product does not enable you to fly——On a Superman costume.

Remove child before folding———On a baby buggy.

Sign of the times- Only two European nations are fatter than the UK. Turkey and Malta. Judged in a table of obesity.

Paul McCartney and John Lennon were probably the best and most prolific modern song writers of all time. Paul McCartney has a new CD out called “Egypt Station” If it wasn’t him it wouldn’t sell. trust me, apart from one or two reasonable tacks it is rubbish. In fact he hasn’t produced anything wothwhile for thirty years. Before that was “Ebony and Ivory” with Stevie Wonder,”Silly love Songs”, “Jet,” Band on the Run”. The last three about forty years ago! There were also some other reasonable ones but nothing like the genius songs he produced earlier. Sad really. He has been living on past glories for a long time now.

After this farce of the two Russians who poisoned people in Salisbury claiming they were just tourists and being backed up by Putin we need to take some action. The Russians who have bought large houses in London and have huge ill-gotten gains in British banks should have ggod and money confiscated or transfered back to russian. We all know it is dirty money. But the British Government is frightened to do so as it will hurt house prices and effect banks business. We have taken pathetic sanctions against Russia so far. it’s about time we did somthing that might actually hurt Putin and his cronies!

POEM attached           MUSIC TO MY EARS

FLUCTUATING FROM FRIDAY

The boss of one of the UK’s smaller bank’s TSB has had horrendous internet problems in the last few months. Thousands of customers were unable to pay bills or withdraw money via the internet. So the chairman resigned. But he was entitled to a full years salary of £1.2 plus a bonus of £0.5 million. Also he may be entitled to a share of another £1.2. And this is for failure!.

I was sad to hear of the death of broadcaster Rachael Bland who died of breast cancer this week. She was a very brave and inspirational woman who did a podcast with two fellow sufferers of cancer right up till her death at the age of 40. It was called You, me, and the big C. She and the other two ladies had brilliant senses of humour and it shone through for Rachael until the end. She will be sadly missed.

Two things interconnected. There are at least 800,000 paedophiles using the internet and social media in the UK

secondly , a girl of 13 was murdered this week. Facebook will not release the password of the chief suspect, to check on his activity on the site. They have to force them through the courts to release this info. It may take 6 months. Just say this man strikes again and kills  another young girl. They will say sorry  no doubt, the most useless word in the English language in these circumstances.

Companies in the uk are going to be advised to have at least two women on the short list for jobs. But Kate ndrews, from the Institute of Economic Affairs states this wont actuallt help women. A quota system which is enforced robs women of the sense of achievement.

Talking about women i read this week about Sam, the man who wanted to be  a woman.So he had treatment and became Samantha, but he changed his mind and had more treatment and became Charles. But……..you guessed it He (She) wanted to become a woman again! She (he) is now Samantha (again). She is a lawyer so was able to pay for the total treatment of £150,000. But I wonder what her two kids thought of this!

HUMOUR- Scatomancy is telling the future by looking at turds. Will that be stuff like “you’re going to have a shitty few days but then it will get better”

In 2013 Al-Qaeda apologised for accidently beheading one of their own men. Thats what I mean when saying sorry is a bit inadequate.

It takes five people to extract semen from a vulture. thats hardly surprising but who would want to?

Label on a washing machine with a special cycle for removing pet hair.————Do not wash your pets in this machine.

Label on a rain gauge————Intended for outdoor use.

Finally the European union is likely to scrap daylight saving time. In this country it was brought in so farmers would have more daylight hours to bring in their crops during the 2nd world war. So its about time!

POEM attached                 HAPPINESS

FLIRTING WITH FRIDAY

I was reading an article somewhere this week where a parent was telling their children life could be tough at times. They were heavily criticized by other people.

I am of the believe you deal with things that go wrong in your life when they happen. People who have gone through life without anything bad to them are extremely lucky. i think dealing with a major problem makes you stronger , more rounded, more understanding of other people having tough times. it should actually make you a better person. It gives you experience of dealing with a problem and knowing how to get through it fo the future. The other factor for me is that if you have low times does it not make the good things in life even sweeter? If you dont experience bad times you wont tend to experience the euphoria of extreme happiness.

Life is tough but given resilience it can be exciting and totally worthwile whatever your circumstances. i know it is a well-worn cliche but you really do get out of life what you put in. Also, in my case never look back. Yes Ive made stupid mistakes, but thats in hindsight. Hopefully Ive learnt from them and wont make those same mistakes again. Unfortunately I cant really say that as I have been known to make the same mistake again and again. But thats just me being stupid.

By the way age doesnt really come into this, Ive met really smart young people and stupid old people. its just the individual that counts. OK sermon over, sorry about that.

The British Government discovered a new continent this week called Africa. You leave Europe and if you keep going south you will come to it. We sent a woman Witch doctor called Theresa May who thinks by doing a bit of dancing she can get them to give us some business. No government minister has visited this new continent for 7 years and no Prime Minister for about 30 years. Apparently quite a lot of people live there. Unfortunately it was discovered some time ago by the Chinese who have been poring money into the infrastructure. Now someone has decided we might be leaving Europe we will be poring money into Africa. However Im reliably informed there are a lot of despots there who will cream off our money and keep it themselves. Witch Doctor May visited Nigeria and giving their record of scam emails here I hope she isnt tempted to give them our bank details.

HUMOUR—-Mozart kept a fart diary!

You have a “turd” in your teeth was a common insult in the 17th century

The largest bra size is 48V. Now that is a big girl!!!!!

The least common PIN number is 8068. Bet it isnt now!

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More shooting in USA. Not really news anymore. Civilians die in Syria and Yemen also not news

SIGN of the TIMES-Pope Francis visited Ireland and 200k attended mass.In 1979 Pope John Paul 2nd visited and 1.2 Million attended.

Finally Donald Trump’s behaviour towards John McCain is appalling. Apparently you are not a war hero if you get captured. You are only a hero if you are dead or not captured. Well Trump wasnt captured , so he must be a hero. But does being back in the USA and not fighting at all count?

POEM ATTACHED            AS FAR AS I COULD THROW THEM

FANTASIZING FOR FRIDAY

The most popular newspaper in the Uk is the Daily Mail. it is also by some distance the most non-sensible. This week it has started a campaign complaining about not enough people being sent to prison. Considering the prison system can’t control the prisoners they have now it doesn’t make a lot of sense. It is believed it it is so easy to get drugs smuggled in that if you dont do drugs when you go in you certainly will when you leave. Also the number of prisoner officers being attacked is at epidemic level.

The Government claimed this week they will eradicate homelessness by 2025. They wont be spending more money they will just change the system. The fact is homelessness will NEVER be totally eradicated. It just a case of government wishful thinking.

That is Government wishful thinking but lack of ambition is another thing altogether . They have stated they will make sure there will be NO non- recyclable plastic items in 25 years time. Considering most of the Government will be dead by then(unfortunately so will I) and the oceans will be full of plastic they are not exactly committed to the cause.

Apparently 60% of holiday makers have been forced to share planes with drunk passengers. Considering British airports sell drinks at al hours it is not entirely surprising. Even when I was younger and drunk quite a lot I never really fancied a pint of lager or a bottle of wine at 6 o’ clock in the morning.I certainly drunk a lot when actually on holiday but not so I was a nuisance to other passengers when I was on the plane. Might be an idea to breath test passengers before they get on planes if the crew have any doubts if they are drunk or not.

HUMOUR- It is illegal in France to name a pig Napoleon out of respect to their emperor. Apparently he had haemorrhoids during the “Battle of Waterloo”. They are very painful so Im not surprised he surrendered quickly, he just wanted some treatment!

People eat less in subdued lighting. Now there a great tip to lose weight!

The record number of live goldfish swallowed at a single sitting is 210. Sorry I dont know what happened to them afterwards!

Apples , strawberries, plums and almonds are all types of rose.

Squirting water in your left ear will make you less optimistic. Go on, try it!

Did you read that a Afghan claiming asylum in Austria on the grounds of being gay and being persecuted in his homeland for it lost his case. On the grounds that he didnt look gay. He also didnt dress or walk in a gay manner!!!!!!!

Back to booze.Apparently the Uk has more “at risk” drinkers than any other country in Europe. Ireland are 2nd and Czech Republic 3rd. The least nations are Sweden and Hungary.

INTERESTING OLD WORDS-

SHUFTI- A glance or a quick look.

SKIFFY- Indicating a direction of something using both hands in a game of “Eye Spy”

FAY- Another name for a fairy.

Poem attached                           THE SEA

A FREQUENTLY FRANTIC FRIDAY

Another week gone in my life , where to I haven,t a clue but it has gone quickly. I try to set myself a small target of doing something or going somewhere new or even learning something everyday. I achieve it most days but i can’t remember what they were this week.

I,m trying this week to only talk about nice things but it is difficult.

Firstly I was surprised to learn that Robert Redford has never won an acting Oscar. considering this list of films, Barefoot in the Park, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, The Sting, All the President’s Men, A River runs Through it, Out of Africa, Indecent Proposal, The Horse Whisperer and many more. He did however win one Oscar as Director for Ordinary People and a lifetime award. Must have been the case there were just better films out the years he made good ones.

What a shame to hear about the death of Aretha Franklin this week. She was one of the “Great Singers” She made singing seem easy. The only others that I think this ease of singing applied to for me was Peggy Lee, Barbra Streisand and strangely enough Donna Summer. Boy did Aretha Franklin have a tough life.She had two kids by the time she was 15, married a pimp who beat her and she was insecure all her life . She was also a perfectionist. It is amazing how people who have hard lives can be touched by genius. It is almost as if they are better because they have had to fight for their art. She was without a doubt the “Queen of Soul”

HUMOUR——King Francis the 1st of France hung the “Mona Lisa” in his bathroom. If only he had known!

Two teaspoons of Botox are enough to kill the whole of the UK.

The first ever “Webcam” was in the computer lab at Cambridge Uni. It was trained on the coffee pot in the corridor to save scientists making pointless trips when it had run out.

Pandas defecate( Shit to me and you) 50 times a day . Just think of the amount of toilet paper they must use!

A new film is coming out soon “The Aeronauts”. It is the true story of two Victorian scientists who broke the altitude record for a hot air balloon. But to make it more box office one of the characters has been changed to a woman. The male character missed out was a hero who saved the others life. The record they broke lasted 65 years. What a shame history has been changed for money.

Women are quite capable of looking after themselves. i would like to think (in most walks of life but not all yet) women are given opportunities on merit. Something I think is wrong for example is the Conservative party in the UK have women only short lists of candidates to stand as MP’s. In other words it is best woman not best person. Do women really want things rigged in their favour. Is it not better being chosen because you were the best person for the job. It is gradually happening , certainly in the UK.

POEM attached        THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM

 

FRIGHTFULLY FRIDAY

Sorry , twice, Firstly it’s not Friday and secondly I missed last week because I was at a wedding. Said wedding was in Winchester, Hampshire and what a beuatiful place it is!. It was the old capital of England before William the Conqueror invaded England so it is very historical. It has a huge Cathedral , ruined castle , a Great hall (where supposedly King Arthur’s round table hangs on the wall) and loads of historical buildings . These buildings dating back to the 11th and 12th centuries by the way. And lots of good bars and restaurants too. All in all a memorable week end. AND i have booked to visit probably my favourite city next month. And that is Paris.

Well not a lot seems to have happened this week, apart from people dying in wars in the Yemen, Syria and various parts of Africa. Earthquakes in the far East, floods in Japan and and France. What I meant was that it has been pretty quiet on the political front.

Although Boris Johnson , our undiplomatic Foreign Secretary has excelled himself by saying stupid, provocative things. He said “a woman wearing a burka looks like a post-box” Then he claims he is not anti-Islamic and that she has every right to do so! But then went on to say “does she know how stupid she looks” Obviously Donald Trump has been giving him lessons in how to upset people without really trying!

I must have been living with my head in the sand recently. The BBC published a list of the most influential women ever born. Out of the top ten I,m ashamed to say I hadn’t heard of five, Rosa Parks, Ada Lovelace, Rosalind Franklin,Angela Burdett-Coutts and Mary Wollstonecraft. Sorry ladies.

How contradictory life is. I read this week that too much exercise risks mental health. Up to 45 minutes is good but after that is unwise. Also that too much sleep can be bad for you!. health experts keep telling us different things.

Another thing this week caught my eye. That school pupils are being stressed by sitting exams!Normal life is pressured and competitive whether we like it or not and are exams not part of the preparation for this.

HUMOUR-JRR Tolkein was rejected for a Nobel Prize in literature on the grounds of his “poor storytelling”

Ruth Wakefield , inventor of chocolate chip cookies sold her idea to Nestles in exchange for a lifetime supply of chocolate!

A grass hoper becomes more sociable if you stroke its hind legs. How sociable I’m afraid I don’t know!

The largest sperm bank in the world does not accept donations from redheads because of insufficient demand.

St George is the patron saint of England, leprosy AND syphilis.

Finally a new law is going to pass through Parliament that eating dog-meat in the UK will be illegal. Firstly I didn’t realise we did eat dog meat here and secondly my dog, Bruce is absolutely delighted

POEM attached                  FALLING

 

FAILING TO BE FRIDAY

Well the weather in the Uk in the tha last few weeks has been unusually hot. They say the hottest and driest since 1976. It has been unusual as I have been able to go walking with my dog on the beach or across the fields near me just in a t-shirt, shorts and flip flops without the worry of it raining at any time. Does not happen too often on this North east coast. It is a pleasure to be back walking my dog on the beach after several weeks of him being injured. After just 8 weeks of having the ligaments of his back leg being repaired and a metal plate being inserted he is back swimming in the sea and chasing his ball for as long as Im prepared to throw it.

With the weather being excellent more people are talking about it rather the wars going on in the world or even Brexit! People are very fickle.

The Goverment had a cabinet meeting in Newcastle this week to show how much they care about this region presumably. They need to as if we reach a “No Deal” conclusion with Brexit this Region will suffer twice as much as any other region. We export more percentage wise than any other region and are given much more in grants (again percentage wise) than any where else. The funniest thing was their train back to London took 6 hours rather than the usual three. Now they might realise how normal rail users suffer!

Prince Charles supported a paedophile Bishop even when the guy was suspected of crimes against young boys. Charles gave him money and accommodation becuse he didnt believe the authorities. Now he believes he should be treated differently because he is Royal. His arrogance should be one of the reasons he should never become King!!!!!!

While Im on the subject of Roals, Princess Eugenie is getting married soon. She apparently thinks she should have a similar wedding to Prince Harry. Why I dont know. She does very little of note, in fact she is pretty much like her father, Prince Andrew, who is  also pretty useless.

Again another arrogant Royal!

HUMOUR–The ancient Egyptian word for cat was pronounced “Miaow”. what a co-incedence!

Aristotle thought small penises were better because semen got cold in larger ones! No comment.

In 1976 Ron Wayne , co-founder of Apple sold his shares for $800. Today they would be worth billions. Oops!

Its illegal in Saudi Arabia for men to work in lingerie shops.

Record numbers of 10 and 11 year old children in UK are classed as “severely obese” A severely obese adult will die 10 years earlier than an adult of normal weight. This really should be a Government priority as it is not just a case of people dying but the cost of treatment by the NHS for overweight people.

POEM attached——The silence is broken