FOLDING UP FRIDAY

Read today, Happiness is the ability to laugh at yourself. Completely agree.

South Africa’s president Zuma has finally resigned. He has 800 counts of corruption to face. I suspect he may be guilty then.

What a mess the charity Oxfam is in. The leadership new there was sexual abuse being carried out both at home in England and abroad. The leadership reacted far too late.It was hushed up originally and a lot of donors and the Government have said they will stop donations. And who will suffer for all this. It is the people they were helping all over the world. What a mess.

Our foreign secretary Boris Johnson has made a speech using his hands all the time. Is he trying to outdo Donald T?

Another 17 people shot dead in Florida and many more injured. So what does the gun lobby say this time. The same old crap no doubt. There should be be more guns rather than less presumably. Why not arm schoolkids and teach them to use guns as well? Is nobody ever going to do something about this. Is the constitutional right to carry guns to defend oneself when so m,any people die?

School minister Nick Gibb says he is going to make sure all 9 year olds can do their 12times tables. He was then asked in an interview what 8 x 9 is. He wouldn’t answer. I do hope he knows!

I’ve been thinking for a while about religion. Most of the religions we have on earth have similar philosophies and common Gods. Do Gods of one religion only look after people that believe in their religion? Do they not protect the rest of humanity. Surely loving Gods care about everybody on Earth not just their own worshippers. If there are different Gods why don’t they get together and reach agreements for the good of everybody. They would certainly do a better job than the United Nations. They talk a lot and do nothing. They are still telling Putin not to invade the Crimea and Ukraine. And telling Assad in Syria not to kill his own people. They are useless!

HUMOUR ! in 3 children in the world can now use tablets before they can speak.

Did you know Jimi Hendrix was a paratrooper. Not with a guitar in his hand surely.

Sylvester Stallone was so broke before the script for Rocky was accepted he sold his dog for $25. a few weeks later he bought it back for $15,000!

Having sex uses the the same number of calories as there are in one small meringue. Pass me another one , please.

Today I received my new tax code number for the next financial year. It had a split of what percentage the tax I pay goes where. I thought the figures really surprising. they were:-

Welfare 24%, Health 20% State Pensions 13%, Education 12%, National debt and Defence 5%, Public Order and Safety(presumably police) Business and industry 2.5%, Government Admin 2%, Culture (sport, libraries and museums) 1.5%,  Environment and Housing inc Utilities eg street lights 1.5% Overseas Aid 15 and finally contribution to the EU budget 0.7%.

What surprises me the contribution to Europe is so low (so what is all the fuss about) Culture is also very low, shows how little the Government thinks about it. Caring about the environment is also low.

Just opens your eyes to what our money is spent on!

POEM attached       THOSE WERE THE DAYS

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FLABBERGASTINGLY FRIDAY

It has been a week of cold dog walking on beaches and across fields. I walked in heavy snow one morning when temperature was 2 or 3 degrees and the next morning I walked in beautiful sunshine, the snow having disappeared overnight, at 0 degrees. How does that work. It has been a cold dull dank winter without a great deal of sun. Not a particularly bad winter just cold and dark. Cant wait for Spring.

Freemasons are taking out advertising in the UK as they feel they are getting a bad press. They feel they are discriminated against. Well. I have some news for them .It is probably because they discriminate against women, race, faith, age and class. In other words everybody but themselves. They claim they are no longer against women yet the membership is 200,000 men against 4,700 women. The Chief Executive when interviewed said “we are not a secretive society” yet would not show their secret handshake. ” Corruption is not tolerated” , yet their philosophy is that they show favouritism to their own members. There has always been suspicion that to get on in the police force or politics you need to be a member. They are going to need an awful lot of adverts to change peoples opinions I’m afraid.

Norway recycles 97% of its drinks cans and plastic bottles while we do 60%. Norway has vending machines that pay out for returned items. It obviously works. Our government “are looking into it.”

It has taken 36 years to decide Robert Wagner “may ” have had something to do with his wife Natalie Woods murder. Apparently he drank whisky for an hour and a half after she disappeared. So he is most likely to have killed her or at the very least was guilty of not trying to rescue her. A bit late really!

 

Prostrate cancer has now overtaken breast cancer as a killer. 11,000 deaths last year. If caught in the early stages there is a 98% chance of survival and at late stages 22%. Men apparently are shy to come forward to be tested. Well I have had prostrate. I had cancer and it was found during routine screening. I had no symptoms whatsoever. I had radiotherapy and have now been clear for 6 years. The PSA test is easy but the later physical examination is undignified if it is necessary. Embarrassment is a small price to pay to save your life so for men reading this get tested!

HUMOUR–Termites like the smell of biros and jaguars are attracted by Calvin Klein’s Obsession for Men. So you know what not to take to the jungle!

One in nine Honduran men will be murdered. So don’t go there for your holidays!

Misspell is one of the most commonly misspelled words in the English language. Have I spelled it properly?

MacDonalds have intoduced a Grand Big Mac. It has 741 calories and contains 15g of saturated fat and 12g of sugar. So there goes their fight against obesity!

It was 100 years ago this week that women in the UK got the vote . Not all women. You had to be 30 and own property or be married to a house holder. So not many women! The government are CONSIDERING whether to pardon the suffragettes who broke the law.  Of course they should if they hadn’t have done what they did they might be still waiting!!!!!!!!

POEM attached        A BEATING HEART

 

 

 

 

 

FENOMENAL FRIDAY

Yes, Its Friday again.

When I used to work, it seems many moons ago now, I used to like today as it was the start of the weekend, Saturday and Sunday off! But now it is just like any other day. It hasnt got the same appeal somehow. I dont even get lie-ins any more. Thats what happening a dog does. He doesnt know the difference, he just wants his early walk to go and pick up the paper from the news agents.

So whats happened this week in the world!  Firstly, we had the first bitcoin robbery in the UK.Burglars stole a businessman’s bitcoins. Perfect crime really as they aren’t real, existing only in cyberspace. Can you be guilty of stealing something that doesn’t exist. I wonder.

I used to fancy Olivia Newton John, the singer of Grease fame. And Meg Ryan too. But since they both had plastic surgery or botox (or both) they now both look like fish. And who can fancy a fish.

Talking about fish (well not really becos its a mammal)  Apparently they have taught a Orca whale to say Hello and Bye bye. Bet it really wants to say “Fuck off and just leave me alone” I would!

A road safety campaigner in the UK this week mounted the pavement and knocked down the man who was having an affair with his wife. I suspect he might lose his job!

A woman in Brighton this week put a cardboard box in a communal recycling bin. As it was the wrong type of bin and she didn’t have a waste disposal contract she was fined £600. She would have done better by just throwing it over the nearest hedge! She would have been fined less!

The big problem is that stockpiles of rubbish are now building up as China doesn’t want our rubbish anymore.

HUMOUR There is a French law that stops people answering e-mails after 6-00.

The first person to go over the Niagara falls in a barrel and survive was a 63 year-old woman.

Tutankhamun was the only ancient Egyptian who was mummified with an erect penis!

His parents incidentall y were brother and sister.

Well done Roger Federer winning Aussie Open , his 20th Grand Slam. Looks as if he could go on for a while yet.

Phillip Glass an American big game hunter believes killing animals in cold blood is helping consevation. The cash he pays helps protect the African wilds. The going rate is $20k for a leopard and $50k for lion.This man shot a young elephant twice but still didnt kill it. So he lit a cigarette and watched it die! Apparently the Bible permits killing animals. For food I would suspect. Why dont we drop him in the African bush naked but give him a knife to make it fair. Idiot!

Piers Morgan, the arrogant TV presenter interviewed Donald Trump this week. He asked Donald Trump if he was a genius and of course trump agreed. It was the most sycophantic interview. Asking questions that allowed him to spout self evident crap. A proper journalist is supposed to ask searching questions and push the interviewee into real answers. But then Piers morgan thinks he is a genius too.

Oh and by the way Trump apparently cheats at golf. He claims his average score is 68.  A golf pro who has played with him thinks there is people who throw balls on the fairway as all his drives are straight. He claims he is a brilliant putter but never puts out.

Poem attachedAS AN ELEPHANT (previously Body Slows etc and When not if! )

 

 

FEATURING FRIDAY

I dont go to the cinema much but I did last week and i saw a brilliant movie, Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri”  I suppose it could be described as a black comedy, funny but violent! Frances McDormand is incredible in it and if she doesnt win an Oscar there is no justice. I thoroughly recommend it.

Jimmy Armfield, an English footballer who captained England earned £40 a week at his peak. He died last week. Alexis Sanchez, a Chilean footballer, was transferred last week from Arsenal to Manchester United. He will earn £600,000 a week. Even taking inflation into account that is some difference. A sign of the times.

You reptile lovers beware – A man was found in england this week asphyxiated by his 8 foot pet python. Apparently it hugged him to death!

I know there are a lot of despicable acts these days but it would be hard to exceed the action of Islamic State militants in Jalabad, Afghanistan this week. they attacked the base of “Save the Children” They killed aid workers who are non political and non religious and who were only interested in the well being of children. How low can you go?

Cringemaking- Theresa May’s relationship with Donald Trump. He plays her along like a fisherman landing a fish. She is totally out of her depth. Apparently when they speak to each other on the phone she cant get a word in edgeways! What a surprise!

HUMOUR- Usain Bolt ate 1000 chicken nuggets during the Beijing Olympics because he didnt like Chinese food. It didnt stop his running He won 2 or 3 Golds I cant remember how many.

More people recognise the McDonald’s symbol than the Christian cross!

Human beings had been keeping sheep for 7,000 years before it occurred to anyone to use their wool!

Apparently one third of takeaway lamb curries contain meat other than lamb!

The World Economic Conference is being held this week in Davos, Switzerland. It is intended to promote globalisation and co-operation. It is attended by politicians, bankers, economists, large company bosses. The normal undesirables you wouldnt want to meet in a dark alley! Even pop stars like Elton John and Bono (of U2) and world wide charities are there.  Sounds like a bundle of fun. It is a sort of club where people promise each other ” if I scratch your back you  scratch mine”. 1000 aircraft are being used to ferry people in and out. 80 % of the worlds wealth is owned by 1 % of the population. Most of that 1 % will be at Davos. I would suspect security will be tight. Trump is giving a speech today presumably telling us how well the US and him in particular are doing!

Finally Ive come across one or two interesting words you might or might not have come across:-

Skedaddle- run off, leave fast.

Squee-gee- T shaped piece of rubber to remove liquid.

Mufti- ordinary clothes worn by a person who nomally wears a uniform.

Guffaw- a loud course burst of laughter.

This week no poem , just tongue in cheek advice about writing              IN SEARCH OF THE BEST SELLING NOVEL

 

 

FACILITATING FOR FRIDAY

A friend of mine has been telling me recently I’m grumpy. Now to a certain extent I cant disagree. But to put things in perspective it is not easy being grumpy. it doednt come naturally to me. But I would mention two things in particular. I find myself grumbling at injustice, bigotry, the total ineptitude of politicians, greedy business men and international statesmen who talk a lot about conflicts all over the world but don’t DO anything about it, starvation when there is so much food wastage and the stupidity of people generally. There I’ve said it. And you wonder why I’m grumpy!.

The other thing is I put on an air of grumpiness as a form of humour. Ok it may be dark, ironic, sarcastic , sardonic call it what you will but I think it can be funny at times. I also feel me being grumpy helps balance the world up against all the happy , content cheery people.

I know my friend probably doesnt believe me when I  say I’m really a positive person so just humour me at times, please.

So the most popular car colour in the UK is black, with grey 2nd and white 3rd. Pretty ironic really as all cars manufactured in bulk were black and then there wasn’t a choice.

I had a laugh this week when a lady who lived on her own was taken into hospital. She lived in a small semi detached house in Brighton. When animal inspectors broke in they found 359 budgies flying around. It took them 3days to catch them all. They are looking for good homes for them!

Victoria Beckham, fashion designer and ex Spice Girls pop group (also wife of David Beckham, the ex-footballer) insists on using stick insect-thin models for her clothes. Why dont normal sized women boycott her clothes. Are they just so fabulous?

HUMOUR St. Lucia is the only country in the world named after a woman!

Mouse sperm is bigger than elephant sperm. Presumably there is more elephant sperm!

The Bloody Mary has been scientifically proved to be the best alcoholic drink on a plane.

To sleep for one night in every bed in Las Vegas would take 288 years!

In a survey of 10,000 dog owners in the uk the nation’s most popular breed is a labrador. Thats funny,  my dog Bruce is a yellow labrador!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Black Death which killed millions of people in Europe in the 14th century was always blamed on rats. Scientists now believe it was actually passed on by humans themselves as the ordinary man was covered by fleas and body lice as they very rarely bathed.

Edwin Vines, a stalker who has targeted Emily Maitlis a  tv news presenter for 20 years since they were at Cambridge together has been sent to prison for the 3rd time. He even managed to send her letters from his prison cell. He said “I am very sorry about it. I had no idea how she was feeling. Two of us are unhappy in this situation” No, one is unhappy and one is clearly unhinged. Its now 20 years , he doesnt understand yet and the law seems unable to deal with the problem. The law is an ass!!!

Poem attached        RAINBOW

 

 

FURTHERMORE IT’S FRIDAY

Have you ever felt small. I have. I also don’t understand the word infinite. It means “no end” So when something is described as infinite it is endless, it goes on for ever. I am now going to make you feel small!

The Hubble telescope was aimed at an area of sky about one tenth the size of a full moon for 4 months. It identified 10,000 galaxies up to 13 billion light years away. it is estimated each of these galaxies contains at least eight times the stars in our own Milky Way. Each galaxy could have up to a trillion stars in it. They have found our own universe is ONLY 800 million years old! (The Big Bang Theory) Are you sure you don’t feel small yet?

Trump is not coming to London to open the new American Embassy costing £750 million. Hurrah!

Our own “News at Ten” programme was halted due to a fire alarm when watched by 2 million people. A cardboard notice was put up stating “We’re sorry for the disruption” 800,000 people continued to watch the programme!!!!!!!

How could a chief Executive earn a bonus of £131 million . Jeff Fairbairn of Perssimon Homes achieved this mainly because of the Government policy of “Help to Buy” He should be giving the bulk of his windfall to charity.

Humour—– In the first race between driverless cars one crashed and the other ran over a dog. They were going up to 111mph at the time. Could you imagine a driverless car heading towards you at any speed. Seems unnatural to me,

A new washing machine in India has a button for curry stains. Panasonic has invented a machine which folds laundry.

Zyzzyva. This word has been added by the Oxford English Dictionary . It is the name of a type of tropical weevil found in South America. What a fantastic word for Scrabble!

Police in this country are stretched to the limit. So it seems a bit strange that police have declared they are looking for a motorist who splashed a woman and two chilldren by driving though a puddle of water. They are looking for witnesses. No one was hurt just wet. I would have thought they had better things to do!

Theresa May has issued very ambitious plans to sort the problem of plastic waste by the year 2042. Does she think she will still be the Prime Minister then? How are we going to make her accountable.  I would suspect we will all be buried in plastic by then.

Finally a journalist this week said “we still need hard men and women to defend the country” He apparently means people who don’t show any emotions in the armed forces. Well if wants people like that or perhaps we should call them machines, I don’t. I want real people who show emotions at times( obviously appropriate times) In other words human beings who are affected by other peoples suffering.

Poem attached NO COMPARISON

 

 

 

FALSETTO FRIDAY

Sorry once again, its not friday hence the title!

Having endured several windswept, freezing walks on my local beach in rain , snow and days when roads pavements , paths and  were like glass it is time to report what has happened to my beautiful beach. At the moment it is NOT beautiful. The severe high tides have washed away lots of the sand and has exposed huge rocks and rock formations I have never seen before. It has reduced some of the beach into shingle. The extreme tides have also washed soil down from the cliff face and this mixed with coal dust deposits has turned any remaining sand a grey colour. Hopefully the sand will return in the Spring . Such is the power of the sea.

The Government has decided now we are coming out of Europe they should change the colour of our passports. Some of the newspapers have stated if we dont like this new colour we are unpatriotic. The truth is the vast majority of us DONT care what colour our passport is!

A politician has stated this week , on resigning from a Government quango that”Brexit is a dangerous populist and nationalist spasm worthy of Trump” I would agree both with the sentiment and the comparison. We should not be withdrawing from the existing trade arrangements with Europe. From a system that works well. We should also not be pandering to the xenophobes who want to reduce the existing foreigners and to stop more coming in. Considering we are an island it should be easy to monitor everyone who enters by air, sea or even tunnel and who also exits . But we cant even do that NOW. So we will be better at it because we leave? Also we are all going to enjoy having our passports checked wherever we go in Europe are we?

Finally we want to establish our own laws rather than use European laws imposed on us. Some of our own domestic laws are pathetic now!

We were never told the implications of leaving Europe and at the very least we should be  given a vote when we know what the actual terms are!

Homelessness in the Uk is rising dramatically. There are 216,000 houses that have been empty for at least 6 months , 60,000 of them empty for over 2 years. Should we not be utilising these fo the homeless?

HUMOUR ———In the 19th century pious Spaniards grew beards in the shape of a cross.

Abraham Lincoln only had a beard for the last 5 years of his life!

A woman bitten by a cat has a 50% chance of being diagnosed with depression.

Ancient Egyptian lettuce contained the same ingredient as cocaine. Bet salads were more popular then!

A Government report , about to be released  will let off sex-pest Members of Parliament as long as they apologise  or go on a training course. What a cop out. bet the victims will be pleased!

UK aid to corrupt countries has risen 10% in the last year. We paid out £1.39 billion last year to 18 of the most corrupt 20 countries.

And we dont pay directly , its goes through middlemen who presumably take their cut. What a farce!

And so to my poem        UNAWARE

 

 

 

FANTASMAGORICAL FRIDAY

Phantasmagorical (real spelling) means pyschedelic, surreal, fantasical or hallucinatory. So it not being a Friday it is appropriate.

Well Happy New Year. But as I speak to other people while walkng the dog most people enjoy Xmas and New Year celebrations but also are pleased when it’s over as they can get back to their normal routines. The only thing that does disturb me somewhat is that it is the loneliest time of the year for a lot of people. My own Dad lost my Mum when he was 52 and lived alone after that. He always noticed people enjoying themselves at this time of year especially and missed the closeness of his wife.

Jeff Bezos of Amazon is now worth $100 billion. Now that is pretty damn rich. If you want to know how rich he could, if they were for sale, buy Iceland 5 times over, buy Cuba, Bolivia 3 times over, Kenya, Slovakia and Crotia and Slovenia together. Is that not insane. What is he actually going to do with that much money?

7 million train journeys in the UK were at least half an hour late last year. In Japan there was a huge upcry when ONE of their trains was 20 seconds late. Should we not be looking how they run their trains?

In 2017 the average house in England increased in value by £28 a day. Every region in England except in the North East of England where house values dropped. Another example of the inequality of the wealth of the English regions.

HUMOUR It was so cold in Jan 1206 that wine and beer were sold by weight not volume.

60% of people eating chocolate rabbits eat the ears first!

In 1973 the whole internet consisted of only 43 computers.

More than 200 drivers in the UK are over 100 years old.

100 people working for the National Health Service England, which runs the health service in England earn more than the Prime Minister. Madness. Certainly isn’t humour

Poem attached       ALL IN THE MIND

 

FOOTSTEPS into FRIDAY.

I,m actually not going to say very much today. I’ve ranted a lot this year and I’m just about ranted out.

I’ve always tried in my blog to stand up for fair play. Fair play for animals , oppressed people, against stupid decisions made by civil servants, the state. I apply commonsense which these days seems to be dying out.

The big things that have worried me have been the conflicts in Syria, the Yemen, Ethiopia where people are starving to death caught in the middle of conflicts. Half the time there are no exact rights or wrongs. in a lot of cases both sides are wrong.

The latest decision for Trump to decide Jerusalem is the capital of Israel is not just wrong it is inflammatory in the Middle-East.

Trump has made a lot of mistakes and is an extremely dangerous.

In the UK the only thing the Government is interested in is getting free of the nasty Europeans. They dont appear that bothered about homelessness increasing, the NHS falling apart, austerity to continue for a few years yet, schools paying off teachers. In other words things are going quite badly for the ordinary working man. But the rich are getting richer, the poor poorer the South of England richer and the North of England poorer with a shorter life expectancy. Yes everything is going well for the incompetent Theresa May!

In Spain the Catalans still want their independence from Spain.

The Russians are behaving like , well Russians and the Chinese are inscrutable as ever.

ANYWAY HUMOUR-

The first man to swim from John O’Groats to Lands End grew a beard to protect his face from jellyfish. Well he had plenty time , its more than 700 miles.

All Koreans lack the gene that produces smelly armpits. So deodorant sales are not good there?

Chimpanzees can identify each other by looking at photograghs of their bottoms. I know some like that.

Well that’s that for Xmas . Have a great holiday . One more blog before New Year.

Poem attached      HERE IS CHRISTMAS

 

FUNNY FRIDAY

Its been a funny week not just a funny day. Not particularly amusing just somehow strange. Ive been very busy, Xmas stuff, lunches, out for dinner etc. plus the normal routine things. Havnt had much time to think beach thoughts.

Anyway one of the things I came across this week is why Governments think of the Arts as a luxury item rather than a necessity. When times are tough and for us in the Uk it is at least eight years the first thing central and local governments cut is libraries, art galleries, museums, music venuesetc. There is also the same argument for sports facilities. I will concentrate on the Arts . reading books, visiting art galleries and concerts.

All these things to varying degrees are therapeutic, good for well being. i believe stimulation of the brain is helpful for health. When people have interests they tend to be less depressed. They also meet other people and are less lonely. So the knock-on effect is that they are less of a drain on the NHS (national health service) which saves funding. I dont believe anyone could argue this point but policians dont get it!

Briefly on the sports front England and wales are the most obese national in Europe so the same argument applies. The fitter the population the less they need medical backup.

It just makes so much sense!

In this country we have gone overboard to use wind turbines to generate energy. I believe people making money out of them were land-owners, manufacturers and company’s that erect them. The majority of the two latter companies tend to be foreign in particular Danish or Dutch. Also we now have a problem in that there are so many of them that we have to switch them off when winds are strong because we have TOO much capacity, When we do we have to pay compensation to the owners. We have paid approx £350 Million since 2010. This is totally a waste of money!

Humour Birds living in cities start the dawn chorus 5 hours in the country. I know the noisy bastards do!

Aristotle advised Alexander the Great not to let his soldiers drink mint tea because it would make them think more of love than war. In my opinion it might make sense to give ALL soldiers mint tea!

Alternative names for Twitter were FriendStalker and Throbber. both sound better to me!

In 14th century England children were baptised in cider.

I know I go on about differences between the North and the South of England. so sorry in advance. Life expectancy rates in the North east are actually falling. These figures are for both men and women. It is down to poverty, local environment, diet, exercise etc. Most other parts of the country has rising life expectancies. Which should be the case because of the vast improvement in medical treatments. Sad really

Finally the Uk funded a new runway on the island of St Helena, in the mid-Atlantic at a cost of £300 million. It has very little useage.

Poem attached          NONSENSE